The other night while discussing life and relationships with a half drunken J, I realized how truly discontented I really can be sometimes. What in my life right now is really that horrible that i should feel so low and the way that I do right now. In retrospect I do have a house payment that I am nervous if I'm actually going to make this month, a truly regrettable decision that has me on the brink of breakdown wondering if he is going to actually continue seeing me, and a job that I am less than pleased with right now. All that really considered, I don't have much of anything to complain about.
One giant complaint I do have, how is it that a couple that doesn't have a single job between the two of them and live off of tax dollars that the rest of us pay, get a car? I really do wish that someone would just give me a car so that I could spend money that I didn't earn on gas to do stuff that I really can't afford. I have had my fair share of being helped, but never without the understanding that I had to help myself as well. I couldn't just sit on my ass and not work and expect the generosity of another human being to get me by for the rest of my life. The incredible lack of motivation that is some humans absolutely amazes me, and where are they coming up with the money to pay for an apartment in heritage hill? Again, the generosity and the tax dollars that directly come out of my paycheck without asking me if I would like to help societies degenerits who refuse to do anything other than ask for money to get a half pint and a pack of smokes.
Meanwhile he rest of society is out working and making something of themselves. I know a lot of individuals who aren't in the best situations, but they are making the best of what they can. They get up every day and go to work to pay for a car that they have to have, to get to a job that they don't like, so they can pay for bills that they don't want. (sorry....side rant)
I was talking to a friend about the best friend that i've ever had in the world. He has stuck by me through some crazy ridiculous stunts, bad boyfriends, and falling off the earth to move to Chicago. The conversation turned to the fact that no matter how many wonderful "mr. right's" that I manage to find I never end up headed for the alter. I simply state that is because they weren't right and it's better that I be 22 and single than 22 and divorced because I rushed things. He brought up the fact that maybe I haven't found mr right because he's always been right in front of me and I've been too busy looking elsewhere. For any of you that have ever met J or know him, he is the most homosexual straight guy I have ever met. Maybe, just maybe there is something to this thteory. Could I be in love with my best friend and it just prohibits me from finding another guy to commit to the rest of my life? Am I just wandering through the dating scenes comparing everyone to him and when they don't measure up, sabotaging the entire relationship? Or is it all just a freudian theory that has gotten a little too imbedded into my brain?
The guy that I have been seeing for around a month now, Jeramie, has completely become and anigma to me. Not the usual type of person that I would date, and it intrigues me all the more. The more times that I don't get my way, that he stands up to me, calls me sweetheart, and then tells me "no", Refuses to stay at my house, or commit to a relationship....all of the things that I find strangely attractive about him. He's older, handsome, and choses to work instead of live at home and be a bum, gets wander lust, and is completely old fashioned. I find myself more and more strangely attracted to him, and I don't really know what to do with it. The last thing I really need to do right now is jump head long into yet another relationship, to use a relationship to fill the void that I know I need to fill myself. Learning to live and be alone needs to be accomplished before I go jumping into something else right away. All that is going to do is land me right back to relying on someone and feeling so lonely when they are not around. I was just getting to the point where going to sleep by myself no longer takes 3 hours because I dwell on the fact that I am alone. I had just started to lay down and think about the day and what had been accomplished before drifting off to sleep, instead of feeling so small in a big bed all alone. My mind finally stopped wandering to JW and what he was doing at that moment and if he was with her. My mind finally started focusing on my goals and accomplishments for the day and the next day and that was enough for me. In comes this handsome stranger who peeks my interest and strikes my curiosity, now my mind starts to wander towards him and the next time I get to stare into his lovely eyes. Oh the woes of being so afraid to be so alone.
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3 comments:
well, here's the thing wiht male best friends, sometimes you are in love with them... but generally you notice.
does your breath catch when you meet his eyes?
would you rather stay up all night talking to him than sleep? even if you're exhausted and have to work tomorrow?
do you *care* what he thinks of you?
do you find yourself putting on mascara 'for no reason' when he's coming over?
if your legs brush does your entire being narrow to the square inch of skin touching his leg?
you know :)
as for marriage? dude... you're twenty two, the one thing you truly have is time... this is your time to find you. should you date? fucking right.
should you worry about marriage and babies? maybe not so much.
and i really hope you answering the phone isn't his dealbreaker because if it is? that's lame as hell... unless the conversation took half an hour?
OK, as for the whole not working and receiving a bunch of money and a car, can't lazy your way into happiness. It just can't be done. Happiness is knowing that you've put your being toward the betterment of something bigger than yourself. Be it a company, a charity, a painting, a deed of kind nature, etc... You won't find happiness in the recieving of things. This and various other platitudes brought to you by IC adam eating.
As for your bestfriend dude. I'm with Sass. If you find yourself oddly and passionatly attracted to the guy... maybe. If you tend not to see him as a man at all, but just some neuter dude that you can spill it all out to, probably not. Only time will tell.
I think your whole idea of finding happiness in your own singularity is a good one. It's taken me a long time to achieve even a small degree of personal comfort in my singular identity, but I've got to tell you, its been worth the effort.
If I am "in love" with my best friend, i guess time really will tell. As it sits, i've never thought of him in that way and never desired him. Where i am right now is probably amazing for a girl my age and in my position, I focus on what i need to get done and rely on my logical brain more than my emotions.
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