Don't forget the good times, When obsessing over the bad
Cuz you were happy a lot, And not always sad
I know I've messed up, But I know too that I've changed
And without you by my side, My life's completely deranged
I'm fixing my life, from the inside out
finding out just what, this life's all about
I want you to be here, not just as a friend
but as my lover for life, until the very end
If I could start it all over, with just you and me
I'd show you just what, true love can be
If I don't get to later, I just want to say
I'll never stop loving you, every night and every day
So hopefully you see, deep down in your heart
that we're better together, than we are when we're apart
So what do you think? Will I get another try?
Or will this be another, Three month goodbye?
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Thanks for the family.
She tossed it on the counter because she thought nothing of it, this has happened half a dozen times before and this one would be no different. She went back to taking care of the groceries, did the dishes, and finally wandered back in the bathroom to throw it away. When she got there her breath caught, she felt dizzy, and an immediate sense of panic set in. Breathe, this is a fluke, I'll just take the other one tomorrow and it'll be something to laugh about. She woke up and kept her morning routine, stumbled down the stairs cursing at the dog for being in the way, started her coffee and stood in the kitchen barefoot. Well, might as well get it over, she mumbled and walked back upstairs. Same thing, threw it on the counter and went about getting ready for work that morning, showered, makeup on, and hair dried, she looked over and peeked at the slim white test on the back of the toilet. Shit, this can't be right. A little un-nerved she went through her day at work slightly in a fog, wondering all day long if it could really be true. Picked up another one on the way home and took two more, same results.
In order to not freak out her then fiancee, and to calm her own nerves she promptly went out and got drunk, really really drunk. The next week was uneasy and unsure of what she was going to do. The thoughts, oh those terrible thoughts. Abortion, intended miscarriage, adoption, how do I end it without him knowing. She promptly dismissed the thoughts and felt horrible about even thinking them. Called him at work and told him the news, much to her surprise it wasn't anger or joy on the other end. Of course I'm sure you idiot, she yelled back in the phone. I'm coming home right now, and the two of them sat and processed the situation. The prospect of a baby in their home, a little sooner than planned, but a welcome surprise. Unknowingly the cause and the cure for the fighting they had endured for the past month. On the verge of break up because of unexplained cravings and mood swings, this baby explained the problem and promptly solved it. Marriage was the plan anyways, so bump it up. Happily married, and the honey moon over, the real fun starts. Cravings, crying, yelling, sleeping, morning sickness, not sleeping, I feel like a "moose." In the end the holding of that brand new baby will make everything worth it.
This is the scenario for many households among America today. The problem is that this isn't always the case. Many times it is a heart wrenching, life altering, scary proposition that comes at the worst time imaginable. Many mothers are left with the decision to have the baby, keep the baby, and sometimes even finding out which one is the father. There is an alarming rate of single mothers and fathers out there who wanted this time to happy and full of joy and love. Instead they got heart ache and the toughest time of their lives, and it was just the beginning.
He was 25 living with a roommate and doing the typical early twenties life, she was 23 living with a roommate and finally getting her life together. They had been talking about marriage and moving in together, when she made the announcement. The next thing she knew he felt they were going in different directions and he couldn't see a future with her. He would be a part of the babies conception and birth, but she was not to keep the baby and he didn't want the life long tie to her. What should've been happy became a struggle to keep it a secret from his family and a search for adoptive parents, government help for the expensive appointments to have a healthy pregnancy, and 60 hours a week up until her 8th month to make ends meet.
There are so many self-righteous people out there that are so quick to judge these mothers and fathers. The deed is already done, and they probably already realize it was wrong and are paying for it. Why do people feel the need to put them into little groups of screw ups and losers. They don't need just your charity, they also need the same love that all of us are taking for granted. They also need the mother figure to call and ask if they morning sickness is ever going to go away, or the older sister to call and cry to when she feels as big as a house, and she needs the loving arms to hold her when she feels like she just can't do it and is ready to give up. Show some compassion people, and realize exactly what you have to be thankful for.
During the holiday season my family always goes around and says what we are thankful for this past year. In light of the two young children in our family a lot was said about being thankful for family and for loving spouses and active parents. All of which really got me thinking about how lucky I really am.
I was born in a poor city, to a dirt poor mother who was sick already, there is no record of my father. There isn't even a name for him on the birth certificate. I was dropped at a police station doorstep, and was immediately sent to the local orphanage. In this orphanage I was loved, nourished and cared for. I also wore clothes that were too small and left a marking on my skin from the constant rubbing in that spot. Bethany Christian services is an agency that works with adoptive families from all over the world. My parents, as much as I complain about them, chose to give a better life to one of these children. It was 7 years after my older brother had been born and my parents weren't exactly young, but they still made the decision to open their home to a child in need. I spent the rest of my life having love, heat, food, and a whole lot of spoiling.
I won't go out and make a big argument about abortion and whether it is right or wrong, but I'm kind of on both sides of being pro-life. My brother and sister-in-law were unable to conceive, and thanks to a single mom who chose to give birth, they have a beautiful baby girl named Kennedi. The birth mother writes letters to kennedi to tell her of her own life and how much she loves her and why she chose to give her up for adoption. I also have to be thankful that my own birth mother didn't decide to leave me in a dumpster, or terminate the pregnancy all together.
I have more and more to be thankful about every year. I have a job, and roof over my head, hot food, clothes, and more shoes than one woman needs. This holiday season really sit down and count all the blessings that you really should be thankful for. Thank your parents if they deserve it, even if they don't, they did bring you into the world and give you a chance at life and making it whatever you want it to be. This Christmas be thankful for the things you really should be thankful for.
In order to not freak out her then fiancee, and to calm her own nerves she promptly went out and got drunk, really really drunk. The next week was uneasy and unsure of what she was going to do. The thoughts, oh those terrible thoughts. Abortion, intended miscarriage, adoption, how do I end it without him knowing. She promptly dismissed the thoughts and felt horrible about even thinking them. Called him at work and told him the news, much to her surprise it wasn't anger or joy on the other end. Of course I'm sure you idiot, she yelled back in the phone. I'm coming home right now, and the two of them sat and processed the situation. The prospect of a baby in their home, a little sooner than planned, but a welcome surprise. Unknowingly the cause and the cure for the fighting they had endured for the past month. On the verge of break up because of unexplained cravings and mood swings, this baby explained the problem and promptly solved it. Marriage was the plan anyways, so bump it up. Happily married, and the honey moon over, the real fun starts. Cravings, crying, yelling, sleeping, morning sickness, not sleeping, I feel like a "moose." In the end the holding of that brand new baby will make everything worth it.
This is the scenario for many households among America today. The problem is that this isn't always the case. Many times it is a heart wrenching, life altering, scary proposition that comes at the worst time imaginable. Many mothers are left with the decision to have the baby, keep the baby, and sometimes even finding out which one is the father. There is an alarming rate of single mothers and fathers out there who wanted this time to happy and full of joy and love. Instead they got heart ache and the toughest time of their lives, and it was just the beginning.
He was 25 living with a roommate and doing the typical early twenties life, she was 23 living with a roommate and finally getting her life together. They had been talking about marriage and moving in together, when she made the announcement. The next thing she knew he felt they were going in different directions and he couldn't see a future with her. He would be a part of the babies conception and birth, but she was not to keep the baby and he didn't want the life long tie to her. What should've been happy became a struggle to keep it a secret from his family and a search for adoptive parents, government help for the expensive appointments to have a healthy pregnancy, and 60 hours a week up until her 8th month to make ends meet.
There are so many self-righteous people out there that are so quick to judge these mothers and fathers. The deed is already done, and they probably already realize it was wrong and are paying for it. Why do people feel the need to put them into little groups of screw ups and losers. They don't need just your charity, they also need the same love that all of us are taking for granted. They also need the mother figure to call and ask if they morning sickness is ever going to go away, or the older sister to call and cry to when she feels as big as a house, and she needs the loving arms to hold her when she feels like she just can't do it and is ready to give up. Show some compassion people, and realize exactly what you have to be thankful for.
During the holiday season my family always goes around and says what we are thankful for this past year. In light of the two young children in our family a lot was said about being thankful for family and for loving spouses and active parents. All of which really got me thinking about how lucky I really am.
I was born in a poor city, to a dirt poor mother who was sick already, there is no record of my father. There isn't even a name for him on the birth certificate. I was dropped at a police station doorstep, and was immediately sent to the local orphanage. In this orphanage I was loved, nourished and cared for. I also wore clothes that were too small and left a marking on my skin from the constant rubbing in that spot. Bethany Christian services is an agency that works with adoptive families from all over the world. My parents, as much as I complain about them, chose to give a better life to one of these children. It was 7 years after my older brother had been born and my parents weren't exactly young, but they still made the decision to open their home to a child in need. I spent the rest of my life having love, heat, food, and a whole lot of spoiling.
I won't go out and make a big argument about abortion and whether it is right or wrong, but I'm kind of on both sides of being pro-life. My brother and sister-in-law were unable to conceive, and thanks to a single mom who chose to give birth, they have a beautiful baby girl named Kennedi. The birth mother writes letters to kennedi to tell her of her own life and how much she loves her and why she chose to give her up for adoption. I also have to be thankful that my own birth mother didn't decide to leave me in a dumpster, or terminate the pregnancy all together.
I have more and more to be thankful about every year. I have a job, and roof over my head, hot food, clothes, and more shoes than one woman needs. This holiday season really sit down and count all the blessings that you really should be thankful for. Thank your parents if they deserve it, even if they don't, they did bring you into the world and give you a chance at life and making it whatever you want it to be. This Christmas be thankful for the things you really should be thankful for.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
woes of the heart
I talked to mollitor and they had told me that JW's grandpa had passed away so I called and expressed my condolences and told him that i am sorry for his loss and to tell his family that I said hello and said I am sorry for their loss. I saw him today and his new girlfriend was with him and I didn't think anything of walking up and telling him that I was sorry and that he lost his grandfather. Later, I ran up and asked him about and asked him about a ron white skit. It was highly disappointing to me that he didn't remember anymore how the skit went. The disappointment spawned off of the fact that we use to hang out watching stupid humor and stuff like blue collared comedy tour and that just let me know that he no longer watches them. I had witnessed them kissing and hanging on each other and it never bothered me, what bothered me today was
a: that she wouldn't walk back up to the table while i was talking to him
b: that I saw them laughing and joking around. As RDW put it "being happy"
then I got the phone call from the new guy and the one thing that made my stomach flutter was that he said "i miss you"
RDW has a unique situation going on.
The girl that he is dating is married to a soldier, who is in iraq at the moment. Before I go any further, this fact bothers me due to the fact that her husband is fighting for my freedom and future, and the fact that she is being unfaithful. All of that aside, that said I do feel for the guy. The girl that he is in love with is married to another man and is leaving in the end of October to live in missouri with im and continue their life together. I don't think that I could imagine falling in love with a person and knowing that they are going to move on and continue their marriage with another guy and have to think about them for the rest of my life. I do wish the best for him and I hope that he is going to find his happiness.
Eventually.
a: that she wouldn't walk back up to the table while i was talking to him
b: that I saw them laughing and joking around. As RDW put it "being happy"
then I got the phone call from the new guy and the one thing that made my stomach flutter was that he said "i miss you"
RDW has a unique situation going on.
The girl that he is dating is married to a soldier, who is in iraq at the moment. Before I go any further, this fact bothers me due to the fact that her husband is fighting for my freedom and future, and the fact that she is being unfaithful. All of that aside, that said I do feel for the guy. The girl that he is in love with is married to another man and is leaving in the end of October to live in missouri with im and continue their life together. I don't think that I could imagine falling in love with a person and knowing that they are going to move on and continue their marriage with another guy and have to think about them for the rest of my life. I do wish the best for him and I hope that he is going to find his happiness.
Eventually.
Saturday, September 16, 2006
The strangers eyes
The other night while discussing life and relationships with a half drunken J, I realized how truly discontented I really can be sometimes. What in my life right now is really that horrible that i should feel so low and the way that I do right now. In retrospect I do have a house payment that I am nervous if I'm actually going to make this month, a truly regrettable decision that has me on the brink of breakdown wondering if he is going to actually continue seeing me, and a job that I am less than pleased with right now. All that really considered, I don't have much of anything to complain about.
One giant complaint I do have, how is it that a couple that doesn't have a single job between the two of them and live off of tax dollars that the rest of us pay, get a car? I really do wish that someone would just give me a car so that I could spend money that I didn't earn on gas to do stuff that I really can't afford. I have had my fair share of being helped, but never without the understanding that I had to help myself as well. I couldn't just sit on my ass and not work and expect the generosity of another human being to get me by for the rest of my life. The incredible lack of motivation that is some humans absolutely amazes me, and where are they coming up with the money to pay for an apartment in heritage hill? Again, the generosity and the tax dollars that directly come out of my paycheck without asking me if I would like to help societies degenerits who refuse to do anything other than ask for money to get a half pint and a pack of smokes.
Meanwhile he rest of society is out working and making something of themselves. I know a lot of individuals who aren't in the best situations, but they are making the best of what they can. They get up every day and go to work to pay for a car that they have to have, to get to a job that they don't like, so they can pay for bills that they don't want. (sorry....side rant)
I was talking to a friend about the best friend that i've ever had in the world. He has stuck by me through some crazy ridiculous stunts, bad boyfriends, and falling off the earth to move to Chicago. The conversation turned to the fact that no matter how many wonderful "mr. right's" that I manage to find I never end up headed for the alter. I simply state that is because they weren't right and it's better that I be 22 and single than 22 and divorced because I rushed things. He brought up the fact that maybe I haven't found mr right because he's always been right in front of me and I've been too busy looking elsewhere. For any of you that have ever met J or know him, he is the most homosexual straight guy I have ever met. Maybe, just maybe there is something to this thteory. Could I be in love with my best friend and it just prohibits me from finding another guy to commit to the rest of my life? Am I just wandering through the dating scenes comparing everyone to him and when they don't measure up, sabotaging the entire relationship? Or is it all just a freudian theory that has gotten a little too imbedded into my brain?
The guy that I have been seeing for around a month now, Jeramie, has completely become and anigma to me. Not the usual type of person that I would date, and it intrigues me all the more. The more times that I don't get my way, that he stands up to me, calls me sweetheart, and then tells me "no", Refuses to stay at my house, or commit to a relationship....all of the things that I find strangely attractive about him. He's older, handsome, and choses to work instead of live at home and be a bum, gets wander lust, and is completely old fashioned. I find myself more and more strangely attracted to him, and I don't really know what to do with it. The last thing I really need to do right now is jump head long into yet another relationship, to use a relationship to fill the void that I know I need to fill myself. Learning to live and be alone needs to be accomplished before I go jumping into something else right away. All that is going to do is land me right back to relying on someone and feeling so lonely when they are not around. I was just getting to the point where going to sleep by myself no longer takes 3 hours because I dwell on the fact that I am alone. I had just started to lay down and think about the day and what had been accomplished before drifting off to sleep, instead of feeling so small in a big bed all alone. My mind finally stopped wandering to JW and what he was doing at that moment and if he was with her. My mind finally started focusing on my goals and accomplishments for the day and the next day and that was enough for me. In comes this handsome stranger who peeks my interest and strikes my curiosity, now my mind starts to wander towards him and the next time I get to stare into his lovely eyes. Oh the woes of being so afraid to be so alone.
One giant complaint I do have, how is it that a couple that doesn't have a single job between the two of them and live off of tax dollars that the rest of us pay, get a car? I really do wish that someone would just give me a car so that I could spend money that I didn't earn on gas to do stuff that I really can't afford. I have had my fair share of being helped, but never without the understanding that I had to help myself as well. I couldn't just sit on my ass and not work and expect the generosity of another human being to get me by for the rest of my life. The incredible lack of motivation that is some humans absolutely amazes me, and where are they coming up with the money to pay for an apartment in heritage hill? Again, the generosity and the tax dollars that directly come out of my paycheck without asking me if I would like to help societies degenerits who refuse to do anything other than ask for money to get a half pint and a pack of smokes.
Meanwhile he rest of society is out working and making something of themselves. I know a lot of individuals who aren't in the best situations, but they are making the best of what they can. They get up every day and go to work to pay for a car that they have to have, to get to a job that they don't like, so they can pay for bills that they don't want. (sorry....side rant)
I was talking to a friend about the best friend that i've ever had in the world. He has stuck by me through some crazy ridiculous stunts, bad boyfriends, and falling off the earth to move to Chicago. The conversation turned to the fact that no matter how many wonderful "mr. right's" that I manage to find I never end up headed for the alter. I simply state that is because they weren't right and it's better that I be 22 and single than 22 and divorced because I rushed things. He brought up the fact that maybe I haven't found mr right because he's always been right in front of me and I've been too busy looking elsewhere. For any of you that have ever met J or know him, he is the most homosexual straight guy I have ever met. Maybe, just maybe there is something to this thteory. Could I be in love with my best friend and it just prohibits me from finding another guy to commit to the rest of my life? Am I just wandering through the dating scenes comparing everyone to him and when they don't measure up, sabotaging the entire relationship? Or is it all just a freudian theory that has gotten a little too imbedded into my brain?
The guy that I have been seeing for around a month now, Jeramie, has completely become and anigma to me. Not the usual type of person that I would date, and it intrigues me all the more. The more times that I don't get my way, that he stands up to me, calls me sweetheart, and then tells me "no", Refuses to stay at my house, or commit to a relationship....all of the things that I find strangely attractive about him. He's older, handsome, and choses to work instead of live at home and be a bum, gets wander lust, and is completely old fashioned. I find myself more and more strangely attracted to him, and I don't really know what to do with it. The last thing I really need to do right now is jump head long into yet another relationship, to use a relationship to fill the void that I know I need to fill myself. Learning to live and be alone needs to be accomplished before I go jumping into something else right away. All that is going to do is land me right back to relying on someone and feeling so lonely when they are not around. I was just getting to the point where going to sleep by myself no longer takes 3 hours because I dwell on the fact that I am alone. I had just started to lay down and think about the day and what had been accomplished before drifting off to sleep, instead of feeling so small in a big bed all alone. My mind finally stopped wandering to JW and what he was doing at that moment and if he was with her. My mind finally started focusing on my goals and accomplishments for the day and the next day and that was enough for me. In comes this handsome stranger who peeks my interest and strikes my curiosity, now my mind starts to wander towards him and the next time I get to stare into his lovely eyes. Oh the woes of being so afraid to be so alone.
Friday, September 15, 2006
Answer the phone...or not.
I am sitting with my new interest and things are going through the "motions" and I need water. I get up and walk downstairs to get my trusty nalgene out of my climbing bag, and fill it with water. Right at that second my phone starts ringing, i pick it up and don't recognize the number. I pick it up only to realize that it was my ex, not JW, and a drunken ex states that he made a mistake and wants to see me.
"I'm kind of busy right now, so I have to go"
"Please just see me for a minute"
"I'm busy, and we're not having this conversation, I have to go"
"I have to go"
"Wait"
"What"
"I'm sorry"
"I know"
:click:
I get back upstairs to discover my new interest pretty much putting his shoes back on and ready to leave.
I simply state that I'm sorry and I shouldn't have answered the phone when I am with him, and I should have hung up when I realized who it was. He simply states that he doesn't think that he should have to deal with ex-boyfriends. He's hoppin mad and decides to leave and think things over before opening his mouth and making definite decisions. The whole next day I bite my nails wondering if i'm going to get the "it's not working out" speech. Instead I get, "I still don't think I was in the wrong, but I get that you're sorry and there's no sense in beating a dead horse. I wasn't going to call, and just let it go the weekend but I promised I would." So, now I just have to sit and hope that he doesn't decide to just be done with it after all.
I also made a startling discovery the other day (before all of this) while he is sitting at work having a beer. He is going to be the third JW that I will have dated this year. eeek.
other than that I have nothing interesting to say.
"I'm kind of busy right now, so I have to go"
"Please just see me for a minute"
"I'm busy, and we're not having this conversation, I have to go"
"I have to go"
"Wait"
"What"
"I'm sorry"
"I know"
:click:
I get back upstairs to discover my new interest pretty much putting his shoes back on and ready to leave.
I simply state that I'm sorry and I shouldn't have answered the phone when I am with him, and I should have hung up when I realized who it was. He simply states that he doesn't think that he should have to deal with ex-boyfriends. He's hoppin mad and decides to leave and think things over before opening his mouth and making definite decisions. The whole next day I bite my nails wondering if i'm going to get the "it's not working out" speech. Instead I get, "I still don't think I was in the wrong, but I get that you're sorry and there's no sense in beating a dead horse. I wasn't going to call, and just let it go the weekend but I promised I would." So, now I just have to sit and hope that he doesn't decide to just be done with it after all.
I also made a startling discovery the other day (before all of this) while he is sitting at work having a beer. He is going to be the third JW that I will have dated this year. eeek.
other than that I have nothing interesting to say.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Shepard's pie.
If there ever was a reason to want to sleep until september, it happened to me in the past 17 days. In the month of august I have hit a deer, gotten a house, gotten a roommate, had someone punch out a window in my new house, been cut by that window, lost a roommate, called the cops on a panhandler, had an uncle pass away, gained a neice, and had my ex's new girlfriend's ex's old employee's fiancee who works with me tell me that he has a new girlfriend. (gold star if you just followed all of that).
Let's backtrack for everyone who hasn't heard. After JW and I broke up I got into this really sweet, quaint house that I love. I had a roommate lined up and she moved her bed in, and that's as far as it got. We had a bad night, the window went out, and so did the plans for her moving in.
For the last part of all of that, people should wait until the end of my shift to tell me such things. The first bit of it began with being told that JW had been sleeping with an employee before we broke up and I moved out. If I had been told that about just about anyone else I may have believed it, but I gave the idea a brief second to process and quickly dismissed it as false. I pondered if perhaps I was just being a little too naive, but my heart and my head told me it wasn't true. After a quick meeting with him to go over a ridiculous cell phone bill that I aqcuired, I had a wierd sense of peace (for lack of a better word). I always thought I would do that wierd "ex" thing when I found out he had another girlfriend, especially this quickly. Instead I ranted on the phone for about 2 hours to my best friend about the hundred million things that were running throughout my thought neurons. I hated it that there was actually someone else in bed with him, and I hated it even more because it wasn't me, then I got pissed because I was alone. I remembered what it was like to be wrapped up in his arms, and it drove me absolutely jealously crazy to imagine someone else in that place where I was for so long. After letting the emotional rampage out, I started to think clearly like a rational functional human being. We spent a wonderful 9 months together, and I do still love him. Even though it does hurt, he is a wonderful person and deserves to be happy. Sucks that it's not with me, but he's happy. He seemed a lot happier today than I had seen him in a while. I still couldn't imagine life without him, but the way imagine him in my life is just a little different than I thought it would turn out.
The thing that makes it even more difficult is that I have nothing bad to say about her, she is beautiful, going to school, and has never done anything wrong to me. Plus if she makes him happy, then she is already a friend of mine. I always told him that if we ever broke up he would date her, me and my fat mouth. I can't bold faced lie and say that I'm not a little jealous, of course I am. At least he's not back to the blonde hair and blue eyes! lol.
Although today when he was over I couldn't help but feel the butterflies whirling around in my stomach when I looked into his eyes, and the twinge of pain when he left. I will always have a soft spot for JW and I can't say that if the opportunity presented itself, to pursue him again, that I would turn it down.
As of current, our parting ways has given me the luster to pursue some things just for me. I feel now that going back to school, quitting smoking, and definately easing up on the booze, were decisions that I made for me. The only reason that one should ever make life changing decisions, not to appease or keep someone or something. There are certain aspects in life where you have to pursue or not pursue opportunities with Selfishness as a direct motive.
Majority of my inner self is quite happy and contented right now. I am actually getting back to myself and enjoying things that I'm doing and doing things that I enjoy. I got a major declared and am looking at the big picture of my life and career. I can't keep money in my pocket to save my life, but it's not stressin me out, there will always be more money to be made.
A little fill in on the gossip for those who directly know me, the gold digger is pregnant. My old best friend is pregnant, her and her boyfriend are moving to east lansing together. My ex before JW got one of our friends from chicago to move up here and live with him. He finally came to realize that there is not going to be a future for us, and friends is all he's gonna get. I won't even start with work. I love my job and the people that I work with and my regulars, but people can't shut their pie holes for a half of a second.
Let's backtrack for everyone who hasn't heard. After JW and I broke up I got into this really sweet, quaint house that I love. I had a roommate lined up and she moved her bed in, and that's as far as it got. We had a bad night, the window went out, and so did the plans for her moving in.
For the last part of all of that, people should wait until the end of my shift to tell me such things. The first bit of it began with being told that JW had been sleeping with an employee before we broke up and I moved out. If I had been told that about just about anyone else I may have believed it, but I gave the idea a brief second to process and quickly dismissed it as false. I pondered if perhaps I was just being a little too naive, but my heart and my head told me it wasn't true. After a quick meeting with him to go over a ridiculous cell phone bill that I aqcuired, I had a wierd sense of peace (for lack of a better word). I always thought I would do that wierd "ex" thing when I found out he had another girlfriend, especially this quickly. Instead I ranted on the phone for about 2 hours to my best friend about the hundred million things that were running throughout my thought neurons. I hated it that there was actually someone else in bed with him, and I hated it even more because it wasn't me, then I got pissed because I was alone. I remembered what it was like to be wrapped up in his arms, and it drove me absolutely jealously crazy to imagine someone else in that place where I was for so long. After letting the emotional rampage out, I started to think clearly like a rational functional human being. We spent a wonderful 9 months together, and I do still love him. Even though it does hurt, he is a wonderful person and deserves to be happy. Sucks that it's not with me, but he's happy. He seemed a lot happier today than I had seen him in a while. I still couldn't imagine life without him, but the way imagine him in my life is just a little different than I thought it would turn out.
The thing that makes it even more difficult is that I have nothing bad to say about her, she is beautiful, going to school, and has never done anything wrong to me. Plus if she makes him happy, then she is already a friend of mine. I always told him that if we ever broke up he would date her, me and my fat mouth. I can't bold faced lie and say that I'm not a little jealous, of course I am. At least he's not back to the blonde hair and blue eyes! lol.
Although today when he was over I couldn't help but feel the butterflies whirling around in my stomach when I looked into his eyes, and the twinge of pain when he left. I will always have a soft spot for JW and I can't say that if the opportunity presented itself, to pursue him again, that I would turn it down.
As of current, our parting ways has given me the luster to pursue some things just for me. I feel now that going back to school, quitting smoking, and definately easing up on the booze, were decisions that I made for me. The only reason that one should ever make life changing decisions, not to appease or keep someone or something. There are certain aspects in life where you have to pursue or not pursue opportunities with Selfishness as a direct motive.
Majority of my inner self is quite happy and contented right now. I am actually getting back to myself and enjoying things that I'm doing and doing things that I enjoy. I got a major declared and am looking at the big picture of my life and career. I can't keep money in my pocket to save my life, but it's not stressin me out, there will always be more money to be made.
A little fill in on the gossip for those who directly know me, the gold digger is pregnant. My old best friend is pregnant, her and her boyfriend are moving to east lansing together. My ex before JW got one of our friends from chicago to move up here and live with him. He finally came to realize that there is not going to be a future for us, and friends is all he's gonna get. I won't even start with work. I love my job and the people that I work with and my regulars, but people can't shut their pie holes for a half of a second.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
True hapiness
What are the signs of really being happy in a relationship?
JW told me that I don't seem happy...for like the past 2 months. That i only complain about my job, and that i stopped doing things, and things always seem to be about me.
Ok...we've been dating for 6 months, and we live together. Our living room is in shambles, due to remodeling, and the house is a disaster. I am a waitress, i clean up after people all day...so yeah, i don't really want to do it when i get home. I admit, i haven't cleaned a whole lot or cooked for about 3 months now. BUT he hasn't cleaned, only once, in the entire time i've lived here.
So, i don't want to do the complaining about him to justify my actions. I dont want to take the blame, because it isn't all my fault...and I'm not going to blame him. I only wonder....what really deems a person happy in a relationship.
I was under the impression that it's the fact that we still laugh everyday. I love being with him and when he holds me in his arms. I love his kisses. I want to spend as much time as I possibly can with him. I love laying in bed and laughing at each other and talking about nothing. I love our thursday night poker...minus the mess! I love spending our days off together (when it actually happens.) I love his nephews...and his family for the most part. I love that he brings me coffee in the morning. I love our stupid fish. I even like the damn cat. I love that he picks on me for being so little. Oh..and the sex! haha
JW told me that I don't seem happy...for like the past 2 months. That i only complain about my job, and that i stopped doing things, and things always seem to be about me.
Ok...we've been dating for 6 months, and we live together. Our living room is in shambles, due to remodeling, and the house is a disaster. I am a waitress, i clean up after people all day...so yeah, i don't really want to do it when i get home. I admit, i haven't cleaned a whole lot or cooked for about 3 months now. BUT he hasn't cleaned, only once, in the entire time i've lived here.
So, i don't want to do the complaining about him to justify my actions. I dont want to take the blame, because it isn't all my fault...and I'm not going to blame him. I only wonder....what really deems a person happy in a relationship.
I was under the impression that it's the fact that we still laugh everyday. I love being with him and when he holds me in his arms. I love his kisses. I want to spend as much time as I possibly can with him. I love laying in bed and laughing at each other and talking about nothing. I love our thursday night poker...minus the mess! I love spending our days off together (when it actually happens.) I love his nephews...and his family for the most part. I love that he brings me coffee in the morning. I love our stupid fish. I even like the damn cat. I love that he picks on me for being so little. Oh..and the sex! haha
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
The sun is out today and I've been taking full advantage of the sense of getting something done. I woke up this morning to shake JW and tell him he was late for work. His alarm had been going off for quite some time and I was annoyed, seeing that it was 3 a.m. and I had fallen asleep merely an hour previous, So...i took some advice and shut it off. He was quite displeased. So, in order to help a little I pulled myself out of bed and made him a pot of coffee. I layed in bed and watched a movie hoping to drift back to sleep, no such luck. So, instead I got out of bed and commenced cleaning the disaster zone that is our humble abode. Dishes done, floors scrubbed, both fishtanks cleaned, and it's only 10:30 a.m. Now I've decided that I may actually start the project on sanding and painting our rooms that we've been discussing for quite a while. I figure it might motivate JW, or I'll just spend the next few weeks wrapping up the quite large project.
*side note* this blog is probably going to take all day, as I'll leave the screen up as I make my way through the day.
Two pots of coffee later, I've managed to take a shower and thought about scrubbing the bathroom and cleaning it. Nah. The motivation is running thin, and I still have to work tonight on a 120 person banquet, so I should conserve some energy. It's off to lunch with a buddy and then to home depot for some paint and supplies.
$120 in paint supplies and another 20 in cleaning supplies later, I am home. My eyes hurt and my nose started bleeding due to the excessive amounts of inhaled Lysol mold remover. I was smart enough to wear a mas thingy and glasses, since I'm told mold dust is no good. I can't tell if it's me or the house that stinks, or if it's just still in my pores. The ceiling looks great, no more mold designs. For mold growth, though, they still kind of looked pretty cool. I bought a sage color for the top half, and a white-ish color for the bottom....neithere were what I expected, the green was too minty green-ish, and the white was way more white than I had anitcipated. Either way, it will achieve the goal of making it bright and cheery in there. I accidentally gave my mother permission to come help with the painting. As if that isn't a bad enough thing in itself (spending 5 hours with my mother) JW will be home and he won't be allowed to smoke in the house all morning....and he has to spend 5 hours with my mother.
So, now I get to wander through the house inspecting every little crook for condom wrappers, cigarette butts, ash trays, beer bottles, beer boxes, beer caps.....etc. To remove them from plain view to prevent the inevitable breakdown of my mother. It's gonna happen, she's gonna see it face to face someday, just not this day.
Now, it's off to work for 5 hours. Actually, I only have to work about an hour and a half of it due to a banquet, and i'll get to come home with a hundred bucks for refilling some drinks and clearing some plates. Life is good.
oh. one of JW's fish died.
*side note* this blog is probably going to take all day, as I'll leave the screen up as I make my way through the day.
Two pots of coffee later, I've managed to take a shower and thought about scrubbing the bathroom and cleaning it. Nah. The motivation is running thin, and I still have to work tonight on a 120 person banquet, so I should conserve some energy. It's off to lunch with a buddy and then to home depot for some paint and supplies.
$120 in paint supplies and another 20 in cleaning supplies later, I am home. My eyes hurt and my nose started bleeding due to the excessive amounts of inhaled Lysol mold remover. I was smart enough to wear a mas thingy and glasses, since I'm told mold dust is no good. I can't tell if it's me or the house that stinks, or if it's just still in my pores. The ceiling looks great, no more mold designs. For mold growth, though, they still kind of looked pretty cool. I bought a sage color for the top half, and a white-ish color for the bottom....neithere were what I expected, the green was too minty green-ish, and the white was way more white than I had anitcipated. Either way, it will achieve the goal of making it bright and cheery in there. I accidentally gave my mother permission to come help with the painting. As if that isn't a bad enough thing in itself (spending 5 hours with my mother) JW will be home and he won't be allowed to smoke in the house all morning....and he has to spend 5 hours with my mother.
So, now I get to wander through the house inspecting every little crook for condom wrappers, cigarette butts, ash trays, beer bottles, beer boxes, beer caps.....etc. To remove them from plain view to prevent the inevitable breakdown of my mother. It's gonna happen, she's gonna see it face to face someday, just not this day.
Now, it's off to work for 5 hours. Actually, I only have to work about an hour and a half of it due to a banquet, and i'll get to come home with a hundred bucks for refilling some drinks and clearing some plates. Life is good.
oh. one of JW's fish died.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Summarizations
MMM....Indian food. Thanks to LSD i have acquired a taste for indian food. What makes this even better is I found out that I can have it home for about half the price, downfall........i have to boil water. Seriously some person does all the work, i put it in a boiling pot of water, cut it open and delicous indian food. I even bought some pita bread and lion stout to go with it. Even though I don't really like stout, the beer store guy talked me into it. It does compliment the food well, just a little strong for me. OH and I bought some Exotic vegetable chips. Strange.
Went climbing and got my ass kicked by the same problem again. Strained that muscle that runs on the front side of my shoulder....don't know what it's called. It hurts like a son-of-a-bitch, though.
I just found out my favorite person at work really actually quit. I thought she was just threatening to get better hours, but she has a better job now. Work is so lonely without her.
Oh yeah. check this shit out
http://bulletin.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=bulletin.read&messageID=676890732&Mytoken=142594B7-1278-A998-5B747CF35B194E2C13925005
pretty f-ing sweet
Went climbing and got my ass kicked by the same problem again. Strained that muscle that runs on the front side of my shoulder....don't know what it's called. It hurts like a son-of-a-bitch, though.
I just found out my favorite person at work really actually quit. I thought she was just threatening to get better hours, but she has a better job now. Work is so lonely without her.
Oh yeah. check this shit out
http://bulletin.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=bulletin.read&messageID=676890732&Mytoken=142594B7-1278-A998-5B747CF35B194E2C13925005
pretty f-ing sweet
Sunday, March 19, 2006
no thoughts, but excellent plans.
I GOT NOTHING FOR YOU GUYS!
So, I got my ass kicked at work, had a few drinks, and off to bed with my boyfriend.
Use your imagination.
Goodnight to you too!
So, I got my ass kicked at work, had a few drinks, and off to bed with my boyfriend.
Use your imagination.
Goodnight to you too!
Sunday, March 12, 2006
If she weren't so pretty you wouldn't have noticed
This morning around 3:30 a.m., TC called me to do something. We were just getting home so they came over to hang out for a little bit. Ok, a little bit turned into them leaving at 6:30 this morning, TC completely blitzed and the other two utterly too tired to speak. Luckily, they live right down the road and had a short drive to get there....seriously like a city block.
Amidst all of this craziness that was our night, i found out that there really aren't that many koreans in grand rapids. As, Jin, is the younger brother of my old best friend from high school. We ocassionally hang out, but never any mention of a younger brother...so it was strange when he walked in and greeted me in korean. We talked and talked about him desiring the other girl that was here and just went back and forth in broken korean and english when everyone else had that look.
Shortly thereafter, TC, has a drunken melt down over her recent departure from her fiancee(cheatin son of a bitch.) Well, we go into the bathroom and she pours her heart out, all over my shirt. Sometimes girls just need to cry and get it out, drunk or not. All the while, her friend was busy making a CD on the computer with JW.
This is where things again get interesting.
Aparently, I had lost track of how long I was standing in the kitchen (with the door open) talking to Jin. JW noticed and noted it. So, when I return from the bathroom to fetch B---- and get her to assist in the comforting process, JW and her are about 3 inches apart laughing and scanning through our Itunes. Girls are so stupid, I immediately get jealous, and turn around and go back to TC. I hadn't noted the time, but by the time we got TC to calm down it was nearing 6 a.m.
I throw a fit and pick a fight with him after they leave about how much attention he had given B-----and how little he had devoted to me, barely noticing when i entered and exited the room.
JW merely states that it was only the two of them in the room, and he didn't find it polite to sit in silence. Good point (I got that in the morning) I point out that I just had never witnessed him devoting more attention to another girl. If he would have stopped right there things would have smoothed out just fine. NOPE.
MEN...just have to make your point even if you could have come out ahead.
He then goes on to state how long I had spent talking to Jin......ok, fair enough. I'm sorry, i didn't notice. It was just interesting to talk with another korean and get a little exercise in the language and to get an overview on what was happening with old friends.
Still could have come out ahead here. NOPE
"And B------made a good point, if she weren't so pretty, you wouldn't have gotten jealous. It's because she's a good looking girl and I was giving her attention. If she were ugly you wouldn't have even noticed."
(side note...B and TC are strippers.)
I have no words, merely roll over and face the wall
conversation terminated.
Eventually roll over and fall asleep on his shoulder, wake up this morning, things are just fine and dandy....although he's not stupid and I have a really bad poker face...he knows.
Girls are so stupid.
Well, I spent this afternoon sitting on our balcony drinking coffee and chatting with B---and TC.
It was the perfect day to sit outside and indulge in the age old past time of "porch monkey's"
I would have liked to said something to B-----but un-necessary drama and confrontation, this can stay between JW and I.
Amidst all of this craziness that was our night, i found out that there really aren't that many koreans in grand rapids. As, Jin, is the younger brother of my old best friend from high school. We ocassionally hang out, but never any mention of a younger brother...so it was strange when he walked in and greeted me in korean. We talked and talked about him desiring the other girl that was here and just went back and forth in broken korean and english when everyone else had that look.
Shortly thereafter, TC, has a drunken melt down over her recent departure from her fiancee(cheatin son of a bitch.) Well, we go into the bathroom and she pours her heart out, all over my shirt. Sometimes girls just need to cry and get it out, drunk or not. All the while, her friend was busy making a CD on the computer with JW.
This is where things again get interesting.
Aparently, I had lost track of how long I was standing in the kitchen (with the door open) talking to Jin. JW noticed and noted it. So, when I return from the bathroom to fetch B---- and get her to assist in the comforting process, JW and her are about 3 inches apart laughing and scanning through our Itunes. Girls are so stupid, I immediately get jealous, and turn around and go back to TC. I hadn't noted the time, but by the time we got TC to calm down it was nearing 6 a.m.
I throw a fit and pick a fight with him after they leave about how much attention he had given B-----and how little he had devoted to me, barely noticing when i entered and exited the room.
JW merely states that it was only the two of them in the room, and he didn't find it polite to sit in silence. Good point (I got that in the morning) I point out that I just had never witnessed him devoting more attention to another girl. If he would have stopped right there things would have smoothed out just fine. NOPE.
MEN...just have to make your point even if you could have come out ahead.
He then goes on to state how long I had spent talking to Jin......ok, fair enough. I'm sorry, i didn't notice. It was just interesting to talk with another korean and get a little exercise in the language and to get an overview on what was happening with old friends.
Still could have come out ahead here. NOPE
"And B------made a good point, if she weren't so pretty, you wouldn't have gotten jealous. It's because she's a good looking girl and I was giving her attention. If she were ugly you wouldn't have even noticed."
(side note...B and TC are strippers.)
I have no words, merely roll over and face the wall
conversation terminated.
Eventually roll over and fall asleep on his shoulder, wake up this morning, things are just fine and dandy....although he's not stupid and I have a really bad poker face...he knows.
Girls are so stupid.
Well, I spent this afternoon sitting on our balcony drinking coffee and chatting with B---and TC.
It was the perfect day to sit outside and indulge in the age old past time of "porch monkey's"
I would have liked to said something to B-----but un-necessary drama and confrontation, this can stay between JW and I.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
formula's of the psyche
I was talking with friends again tonight after work, and having a drink. Me, sitting on my couch drinking sleepy time tea, them parked on the couch drinking a beer. We started talking about all the old friends and all the old fun times. The other two girls are currently single and "loving it." Even though both of them are still "talking" to their exes, which means casual sexual encounters. They walked us through the past few months of their lives and the repetition that it appeared to be going through. A thought finally crossed my mind, what is the difference between history repeating itself, repetition, and habit?
When you are going through the motions of your everyday life, but you stop every now and then and put your heart into utter turmoil for the evening of satisfaction with someone you love. All the while knowing that nothing meaningful is coming out of this interaction. They know full well that the love is no longer mutual, and the other party is out with other people frequently. Yet, almost weekly they go there, spend the night, give them a kiss goodbye and there is no other communication until the next encounter.
What happens in the center of human emotion that allows oneself to create self inflicted pain and heartache in the hope that the love will eventually be two-sided? All the while knowing exactly what is going to happen if these encounters develop, yet again, into a realtionship. Been there, done that, moved on...nope, going back again, and again, and again.
I would personally like to think that the pain of losing that love all at once would create less hurt than losing them over and over and over. Then there is the flip-side of this, what is keeping the other party coming back again? Perhaps the sheer availability, the familiarity, not adding another "notch to the belt?"
When, after all things concidered, is it just repetition? Is it concidered habit? Or, is it merely history repeating itself in that they will go back to familiar and have their hearts broken once again? Is it ever concidered desperation, and when does it become that?
When you are going through the motions of your everyday life, but you stop every now and then and put your heart into utter turmoil for the evening of satisfaction with someone you love. All the while knowing that nothing meaningful is coming out of this interaction. They know full well that the love is no longer mutual, and the other party is out with other people frequently. Yet, almost weekly they go there, spend the night, give them a kiss goodbye and there is no other communication until the next encounter.
What happens in the center of human emotion that allows oneself to create self inflicted pain and heartache in the hope that the love will eventually be two-sided? All the while knowing exactly what is going to happen if these encounters develop, yet again, into a realtionship. Been there, done that, moved on...nope, going back again, and again, and again.
I would personally like to think that the pain of losing that love all at once would create less hurt than losing them over and over and over. Then there is the flip-side of this, what is keeping the other party coming back again? Perhaps the sheer availability, the familiarity, not adding another "notch to the belt?"
When, after all things concidered, is it just repetition? Is it concidered habit? Or, is it merely history repeating itself in that they will go back to familiar and have their hearts broken once again? Is it ever concidered desperation, and when does it become that?
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Ring, Ring, Ring, Ring, Ring, Ring, Ring, Ring, Ring
alright, so i haven't blogged in a while due to the massive amounts of time spent at the new job and trying to see my boyfriend. For a quick overview of the past few months of my life, it breaks down like this. Jon goes to work (for the next 5 days) before I get home from work, he gets home and I'm sleeping, I get up and meander through the apartment drinking my coffee and getting ready for work, I wake him up with a kiss good-bye and head off to work. On my day off, he gets home from work at noon and sleeps until 6, and gets up to get ready for work and leaves at 8. BLAH.
Anyways, so I have this friend that I used to hang out with all the time when I was dating my ex. We never really stopped talking or hanging out, but we definately didn't as much after the split up. Now, he and I have gotten close again and I found the friendship refreshing due to the fact that you really do find out who your true friends are when they decide to chose sides or not. The majority of my friends did not chose at all, they just stopped talking to us both. Davie, decided that he was going to stick to his original thoughts, we were friends first, and will be friends after. Nice.
All this concidered, he drives me f-ing crazy! The man calls me 6-7 times a day, about 3 hours apart and gets mad if I don't call him back right away.
"Dude, I have a job and I can't talk all the time."
"well you could at least call me back."
"I did"
"at midnight"
"that's when I got out of work"
"well, I'm mad at you"
"can you be mad at me when i didn't work 12 hours"
"no, i'm mad at you now"
"can we talk about this tomorrow"
"no, we're talking about it now"
"ok, you talk. i'm sleeping"
"you're a bitch"
"you'll get over it"
"fine call me tomorrow"
"ok, bye"
"i'm serious, you'd better call me, you do'nt know how mad i am at you"
"ok, bye"
"you'd better not just blow me off, i'm really seriously mad at you"
"ok, bye"
"i'm so mad i'm thinking about not hanging out with you anymore"
"i'm sorry"
"no you're not"
"i will be tomorrow, i'm too tired right now"
"ok, bye"
and the sad part is I have this conversation with him twice a week. I love the kid, but good god is he annoying. He's like a needy girlfriend who won't go away. I've never had to break up with a friend, how exactly do i go about this?
you drive me nuts, please stop calling so much. That just seems kind of cold.
Anyways, so I have this friend that I used to hang out with all the time when I was dating my ex. We never really stopped talking or hanging out, but we definately didn't as much after the split up. Now, he and I have gotten close again and I found the friendship refreshing due to the fact that you really do find out who your true friends are when they decide to chose sides or not. The majority of my friends did not chose at all, they just stopped talking to us both. Davie, decided that he was going to stick to his original thoughts, we were friends first, and will be friends after. Nice.
All this concidered, he drives me f-ing crazy! The man calls me 6-7 times a day, about 3 hours apart and gets mad if I don't call him back right away.
"Dude, I have a job and I can't talk all the time."
"well you could at least call me back."
"I did"
"at midnight"
"that's when I got out of work"
"well, I'm mad at you"
"can you be mad at me when i didn't work 12 hours"
"no, i'm mad at you now"
"can we talk about this tomorrow"
"no, we're talking about it now"
"ok, you talk. i'm sleeping"
"you're a bitch"
"you'll get over it"
"fine call me tomorrow"
"ok, bye"
"i'm serious, you'd better call me, you do'nt know how mad i am at you"
"ok, bye"
"you'd better not just blow me off, i'm really seriously mad at you"
"ok, bye"
"i'm so mad i'm thinking about not hanging out with you anymore"
"i'm sorry"
"no you're not"
"i will be tomorrow, i'm too tired right now"
"ok, bye"
and the sad part is I have this conversation with him twice a week. I love the kid, but good god is he annoying. He's like a needy girlfriend who won't go away. I've never had to break up with a friend, how exactly do i go about this?
you drive me nuts, please stop calling so much. That just seems kind of cold.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
check please
So, since I'm sitting here enjoying my coffee and the fact that I don't have to work today I thought I should finally blog something.
I recently went back to work for a previous employer in the restaurant business. I worked for this company starting back in june and stuck it out for a whole whopping 3 months as shit-head and fuck-rod tried to decide what kind of restaurant we should be. Now, the fact that this place had absolutely no direction what-so-ever, wasn't the problem. The real issue was the fact that half the place (including management) was strung out on coke half the time or rollin their asses off. I guess, to each their own, but when my money depends on your fucked up ass....I get annoyed.
Then there was the case of my manager. He was a line cook, not even a chef, who got a break by a friend and was given a managament position. He's already been sued once for sexual harassment and now he works with twelve 19-23 year old women. Hmmm.......
Well, sure enough he starts flirting and grab assing through his entire shift. He serves a 19 year old server at the bar, does the biggest line of coke i've ever witnessed in my life (while on shift), and tells us his wife doesn't put out so he has to get it elsewhere. After the 2 months of him cornering people and causing drama, I'd had enough.
I go into the office and I'm all "you need to knock it off, we're pressing charges, you should just leave before you get fired you worthless waste of space." I'm feeling great because I just spent 5 minutes telling him off and told him that we planned to press charges. He changed my attitude when he tells me that the owner himself is backing him and paying for any lawyer fees and letting him use his lawyer.
Tom owns 8 restaurants and has money coming out of his ears, so i was naturally worried. He calls a meeting with the 3 girls that had threatened to sue him, and offers us any hours, any days, any sections, any shift. We agreed, even though we knew better, and agreed that him and the 3 of us didn't converse unless absolutely necessary.
This lasted 3 days. The three of us were supposed to be at a meeting about us, and we blew it off. We went in for our shift and were called into the office and were informed that we had been fired. HAH! We laughed in his face and all 3 spent about 10 minutes telling him what we thought of his perverted ass. And walked out yelling obsenities.
3 months later, I talked to a girl that had stuck it out and still worked there. She informed me that not only were the two managers gone, but the entire staff except for 3 servers and 2 kitchen had been fired. I laughed and joked that I should go back and start working for them again. In the morning, I actually went in and put in an application. The owner looked at it and said "you start monday."
I went to work last week and two days this week. I've managed to bring home good money in tips and the place runs great. The food is phenomenal, and it runs smoothly and like a real restaurant.
I recently went back to work for a previous employer in the restaurant business. I worked for this company starting back in june and stuck it out for a whole whopping 3 months as shit-head and fuck-rod tried to decide what kind of restaurant we should be. Now, the fact that this place had absolutely no direction what-so-ever, wasn't the problem. The real issue was the fact that half the place (including management) was strung out on coke half the time or rollin their asses off. I guess, to each their own, but when my money depends on your fucked up ass....I get annoyed.
Then there was the case of my manager. He was a line cook, not even a chef, who got a break by a friend and was given a managament position. He's already been sued once for sexual harassment and now he works with twelve 19-23 year old women. Hmmm.......
Well, sure enough he starts flirting and grab assing through his entire shift. He serves a 19 year old server at the bar, does the biggest line of coke i've ever witnessed in my life (while on shift), and tells us his wife doesn't put out so he has to get it elsewhere. After the 2 months of him cornering people and causing drama, I'd had enough.
I go into the office and I'm all "you need to knock it off, we're pressing charges, you should just leave before you get fired you worthless waste of space." I'm feeling great because I just spent 5 minutes telling him off and told him that we planned to press charges. He changed my attitude when he tells me that the owner himself is backing him and paying for any lawyer fees and letting him use his lawyer.
Tom owns 8 restaurants and has money coming out of his ears, so i was naturally worried. He calls a meeting with the 3 girls that had threatened to sue him, and offers us any hours, any days, any sections, any shift. We agreed, even though we knew better, and agreed that him and the 3 of us didn't converse unless absolutely necessary.
This lasted 3 days. The three of us were supposed to be at a meeting about us, and we blew it off. We went in for our shift and were called into the office and were informed that we had been fired. HAH! We laughed in his face and all 3 spent about 10 minutes telling him what we thought of his perverted ass. And walked out yelling obsenities.
3 months later, I talked to a girl that had stuck it out and still worked there. She informed me that not only were the two managers gone, but the entire staff except for 3 servers and 2 kitchen had been fired. I laughed and joked that I should go back and start working for them again. In the morning, I actually went in and put in an application. The owner looked at it and said "you start monday."
I went to work last week and two days this week. I've managed to bring home good money in tips and the place runs great. The food is phenomenal, and it runs smoothly and like a real restaurant.
Saturday, January 28, 2006
I've been tagged once again...then I might actually say something interesting MAYBE!
Anyways, here goes.
2 names you go by:
beaus
Beth
2 parts of your heritage:
Korean
Swede
2 things that scare you:
failing myself
dying alone
2 of your everyday essentials:
J.W.
coffee
2 things you are wearing right now:
slippers
shirt
2 favorite bands or musical artists:
hmmm...lance's ipod left.
2 things you want in a relationship:
laughter
truth
2 things that appeal to you in a man:
passion
eyes
2 truths:
I am never going to actually change the size of my boobs (minus 5 grand)
Love should always be passionate
2 things you want really badly:
to finish school
a million dollars
2 you want to do before you die:
sky dive
marry the love of my life
2 stores where you shop:
Meijer
Martha's
Tag: LSD
Anyways, here goes.
2 names you go by:
beaus
Beth
2 parts of your heritage:
Korean
Swede
2 things that scare you:
failing myself
dying alone
2 of your everyday essentials:
J.W.
coffee
2 things you are wearing right now:
slippers
shirt
2 favorite bands or musical artists:
hmmm...lance's ipod left.
2 things you want in a relationship:
laughter
truth
2 things that appeal to you in a man:
passion
eyes
2 truths:
I am never going to actually change the size of my boobs (minus 5 grand)
Love should always be passionate
2 things you want really badly:
to finish school
a million dollars
2 you want to do before you die:
sky dive
marry the love of my life
2 stores where you shop:
Meijer
Martha's
Tag: LSD
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
FOUR JOBS YOU'VE HAD IN YOUR LIFE:
1. Resident Aide for Alzheimers/dimensia patients
2. Server
3. Grease shop manager
4. Lingerie/adult novelties know it all
FOUR MOVIES YOU WOULD WATCH OVER AND OVER:
1. Waking Life - except it made my brain hurt
2. Red, White, Blue
3. Closer
4. Tuesdays with maury
FOUR PLACES YOU HAVE LIVED:
1. Grand Rapids, Michigan
2. Sparta, Michigan
3. Carol Stream, Illinois
4. Walker, Michigan
FOUR TV SHOWS YOU LOVE TO WATCH:
1. N/A
2. The cheesy soaps that are on while I clean the house
3. NFL football of any sort
4. Sex and the City
FOUR PLACES YOU HAVE BEEN ON VACATION:
1. Toronto, Ontario
2. Memphis, Tennessee
3. Montpellier/Paris, France
4. Mexico
FOUR OF YOUR FAVOURITE FOODS:
1. Korean Food
2. Chocolate
3. anything actually from Paris
4. Indian anything
FOUR PLACES YOU WOULD RATHER BE RIGHT NOW:
1. Eating out at some restaurant with all of my favorite foods combined into a buffet
2. Some where warm and sunny
3. Climbing
4. Wrapped up in a blanket in front of a fire place with J.W.
TAG: Sass, Rev. Brylock
1. Resident Aide for Alzheimers/dimensia patients
2. Server
3. Grease shop manager
4. Lingerie/adult novelties know it all
FOUR MOVIES YOU WOULD WATCH OVER AND OVER:
1. Waking Life - except it made my brain hurt
2. Red, White, Blue
3. Closer
4. Tuesdays with maury
FOUR PLACES YOU HAVE LIVED:
1. Grand Rapids, Michigan
2. Sparta, Michigan
3. Carol Stream, Illinois
4. Walker, Michigan
FOUR TV SHOWS YOU LOVE TO WATCH:
1. N/A
2. The cheesy soaps that are on while I clean the house
3. NFL football of any sort
4. Sex and the City
FOUR PLACES YOU HAVE BEEN ON VACATION:
1. Toronto, Ontario
2. Memphis, Tennessee
3. Montpellier/Paris, France
4. Mexico
FOUR OF YOUR FAVOURITE FOODS:
1. Korean Food
2. Chocolate
3. anything actually from Paris
4. Indian anything
FOUR PLACES YOU WOULD RATHER BE RIGHT NOW:
1. Eating out at some restaurant with all of my favorite foods combined into a buffet
2. Some where warm and sunny
3. Climbing
4. Wrapped up in a blanket in front of a fire place with J.W.
TAG: Sass, Rev. Brylock
Monday, January 16, 2006
1-2-3-4-5 BREATH
I had my first encounter with emergency CPR today. I went bowling with J.W. and in the middle of game 3 an anouncement came over the sound system "is there a doctor in the house, or a nurse." I walked over to the scene where many people were gathered over a man in his 60's weighing in at around 260 or so. He was laying on his back and his face was slightly blue-ish. There was a crowd around him and one person performing chest compressions. I made my way through and started breathing for him, for about a minute. An R.N. came in and took over for me, and I stood watching as he lay there having his heart pumped and his lungs filled for him. Suddenly it occured to me, tilt his head back and pull his chin down or he'll choke on his tongue so I jumped back in and assisted that way. A man tried to pull me back out of the mix and I told him I knew CPR and what I was doing. 3 minutes and still no pulse, it didn't look good, suddenly the EMT's walked through the door and the crowd called for them. I made my way back to the table I had been sitting at all night and wiped my mouth as many people asked me how the man was. "He's in cardiac arrest, but he has many good signs." I answered as I walked past and sat down at the table.
This night made me too knowingly aware of exactly how mortal each of us are. This man was due for open heart surgery at the end of the month, and he lay on the approach of spectrum lanes. It really hit me as everyone started bowling again, this man was somebody's father, grandfather, uncle, cousin and brother. As a patron of heart failure I realized how pissed I would be at the person just like me.........They helped him breathe for a while and when their duties were passed they went back to drinking beer.
I sympathize with that person who got that phone call that he had had a heart attack and was on his way to the hospital. I thought of all the questions I knew they had running through their mind, and I realized it was better that no one answered them. 3 nurses, and 3 N.T's that just went back to their evening events as soon as he was in someone elses hands.
How many different billions of lives go on as normal while one persons world absolutely falls apart at the mere ringing of the phone. It brings new meaning, for me, to life and all the amazing expectations I have for mine. As my life is merely beginnning and I have endless possibilities, someone else is ending their time on this earth, and many other people are mourning the end of that life.
This night made me too knowingly aware of exactly how mortal each of us are. This man was due for open heart surgery at the end of the month, and he lay on the approach of spectrum lanes. It really hit me as everyone started bowling again, this man was somebody's father, grandfather, uncle, cousin and brother. As a patron of heart failure I realized how pissed I would be at the person just like me.........They helped him breathe for a while and when their duties were passed they went back to drinking beer.
I sympathize with that person who got that phone call that he had had a heart attack and was on his way to the hospital. I thought of all the questions I knew they had running through their mind, and I realized it was better that no one answered them. 3 nurses, and 3 N.T's that just went back to their evening events as soon as he was in someone elses hands.
How many different billions of lives go on as normal while one persons world absolutely falls apart at the mere ringing of the phone. It brings new meaning, for me, to life and all the amazing expectations I have for mine. As my life is merely beginnning and I have endless possibilities, someone else is ending their time on this earth, and many other people are mourning the end of that life.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Dear John's sympathy
I've got nothing really profound to say today. I just wanted ya'all to be able to read what My ex wrote me when I sent him the "dear-john, I don't love you anymore so move on" letter.
Thank u for everything in life i have good toughts from our past and i know that u r happy where u r in life now i still want to keep in touch with u but if its to hard then i understand u gave my life meaning and to this day u still i wish i could change things back but i have burned any chance of that ever happening so may u forgive me for my sins and past problems. i am a happy but sad person still i hope one day i find a girl like u again. Somone that will give my life a reason to smile about and get up everyday and think that i am gald to be live. I hold u in my thoughts and in everything i do i miss the times we had and r missing but i am very happy for u and jon. to me u were my frist true love and always will be to me u r the one that i let slip away with out ever trying to stop it
I hope u do marry jon and i hope u get everything in life u deserve.
Just remember that u a smart and beatuiful women and know this he doesn't make u who u r u make him the man he is. Please don't pray for me for i am ok with out his help in this life.
good bye bethany
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So, he can't type to save his life, but for some strange reason I actualy feel sorry for him. I have waited a long time for the apology from him, and I thought that it would be gratifying and boost my ego. Now that I finally got it, I can't help but have sympathy for him.
Thank u for everything in life i have good toughts from our past and i know that u r happy where u r in life now i still want to keep in touch with u but if its to hard then i understand u gave my life meaning and to this day u still i wish i could change things back but i have burned any chance of that ever happening so may u forgive me for my sins and past problems. i am a happy but sad person still i hope one day i find a girl like u again. Somone that will give my life a reason to smile about and get up everyday and think that i am gald to be live. I hold u in my thoughts and in everything i do i miss the times we had and r missing but i am very happy for u and jon. to me u were my frist true love and always will be to me u r the one that i let slip away with out ever trying to stop it
I hope u do marry jon and i hope u get everything in life u deserve.
Just remember that u a smart and beatuiful women and know this he doesn't make u who u r u make him the man he is. Please don't pray for me for i am ok with out his help in this life.
good bye bethany
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So, he can't type to save his life, but for some strange reason I actualy feel sorry for him. I have waited a long time for the apology from him, and I thought that it would be gratifying and boost my ego. Now that I finally got it, I can't help but have sympathy for him.
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Past to Present and the changes in the middle
While out perusing through Best Buy one night, my boyfriend and I ran into an old friend from high school's mom. We stood chatting a while and did a 10 min catch up on the past two years or so. What everyone was up to, and the normal disfunction that has been going on in that family since I was about 8.
After a little chatting both parties had to run and I was left with a phone number to somebody who used to know me better than anyone else on the face of this planet. I pondered the phone number for a couple of days and eventually called her and we set a time for us to catch up.
She came over a couple of days ago and we sat in our dining room chatting about old memories and new occurances in our lives, over coffee. It made us both laugh how different it was that we were sitting over coffee discussing our lives, instead of going out and getting insanely drunk and doing something illegal.
Recap- D.G. and I used to be best friends in high school. She was one of the few people that I maintained contact with post graduation, and we hung out at least once every few months as not to lose touch. This failed and we eventually stopped talking after more than a few incidences of her taking full advantage of my willingness to help a friend out.
It is quite interesting to look back on the years of my life and how I have changed and grown since the day that I met D.G. We were in 2nd grade and she yelled at me for chasing Dave around the playground. I'm sure in high school we had many major meltdowns over my prom dress being stained or the newest fling breaking up with us, but in this conversation we talked of work and the men in our lives. We spent time dwelling on our spirituality and faith, and the newest accomplishments. Everything changed and we changed, neither of us ended up the way we thought we would be at 21. For some reason, though, I couldn't help but sit and think of how lucky I am.
After a little chatting both parties had to run and I was left with a phone number to somebody who used to know me better than anyone else on the face of this planet. I pondered the phone number for a couple of days and eventually called her and we set a time for us to catch up.
She came over a couple of days ago and we sat in our dining room chatting about old memories and new occurances in our lives, over coffee. It made us both laugh how different it was that we were sitting over coffee discussing our lives, instead of going out and getting insanely drunk and doing something illegal.
Recap- D.G. and I used to be best friends in high school. She was one of the few people that I maintained contact with post graduation, and we hung out at least once every few months as not to lose touch. This failed and we eventually stopped talking after more than a few incidences of her taking full advantage of my willingness to help a friend out.
It is quite interesting to look back on the years of my life and how I have changed and grown since the day that I met D.G. We were in 2nd grade and she yelled at me for chasing Dave around the playground. I'm sure in high school we had many major meltdowns over my prom dress being stained or the newest fling breaking up with us, but in this conversation we talked of work and the men in our lives. We spent time dwelling on our spirituality and faith, and the newest accomplishments. Everything changed and we changed, neither of us ended up the way we thought we would be at 21. For some reason, though, I couldn't help but sit and think of how lucky I am.
Sunday, January 01, 2006
I'm not dating your family
"You can tell them, I don't care, they're just going to start judging you and think you're a whore."
This is the base-line of the recent domestic dispute between the beau and I. We've been basically living together for a period of time now, and it's been great. My family is a bible thumping family and they have learned to accept the fact that my life decisions are mine to make and mine alone. They may not exactly be ok with the fact that I choose to co-habitate with my boyfriend, but they are accepting and supportive of the fact. They think no less of him nor I, but would rather that I not reside with him. The main reasoning of my families distain for my choice is most likely the same as his...we don't believe in sex before marriage and living together is pretty much a guaranteed sign of that. I see their point and I have dually noted this fact.
My problem with the situation is not that I don't understand that point it is this...
I have to bold faced lie when asked if i'm still at home, and it makes me feel as though I need to lie in order to get people to like and accept me. That's bullshit, I have never felt the need to be something i'm not in order to get approval from anybody. I've always been told never to change for anybody and not to worry about how people percieve me. I am who I am. Feeling like I have to don the string of pearls and petticoat whenever i'm in the vicinity of his family bothers me.
This is the base-line of the recent domestic dispute between the beau and I. We've been basically living together for a period of time now, and it's been great. My family is a bible thumping family and they have learned to accept the fact that my life decisions are mine to make and mine alone. They may not exactly be ok with the fact that I choose to co-habitate with my boyfriend, but they are accepting and supportive of the fact. They think no less of him nor I, but would rather that I not reside with him. The main reasoning of my families distain for my choice is most likely the same as his...we don't believe in sex before marriage and living together is pretty much a guaranteed sign of that. I see their point and I have dually noted this fact.
My problem with the situation is not that I don't understand that point it is this...
I have to bold faced lie when asked if i'm still at home, and it makes me feel as though I need to lie in order to get people to like and accept me. That's bullshit, I have never felt the need to be something i'm not in order to get approval from anybody. I've always been told never to change for anybody and not to worry about how people percieve me. I am who I am. Feeling like I have to don the string of pearls and petticoat whenever i'm in the vicinity of his family bothers me.
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