I talked to mollitor and they had told me that JW's grandpa had passed away so I called and expressed my condolences and told him that i am sorry for his loss and to tell his family that I said hello and said I am sorry for their loss. I saw him today and his new girlfriend was with him and I didn't think anything of walking up and telling him that I was sorry and that he lost his grandfather. Later, I ran up and asked him about and asked him about a ron white skit. It was highly disappointing to me that he didn't remember anymore how the skit went. The disappointment spawned off of the fact that we use to hang out watching stupid humor and stuff like blue collared comedy tour and that just let me know that he no longer watches them. I had witnessed them kissing and hanging on each other and it never bothered me, what bothered me today was
a: that she wouldn't walk back up to the table while i was talking to him
b: that I saw them laughing and joking around. As RDW put it "being happy"
then I got the phone call from the new guy and the one thing that made my stomach flutter was that he said "i miss you"
RDW has a unique situation going on.
The girl that he is dating is married to a soldier, who is in iraq at the moment. Before I go any further, this fact bothers me due to the fact that her husband is fighting for my freedom and future, and the fact that she is being unfaithful. All of that aside, that said I do feel for the guy. The girl that he is in love with is married to another man and is leaving in the end of October to live in missouri with im and continue their life together. I don't think that I could imagine falling in love with a person and knowing that they are going to move on and continue their marriage with another guy and have to think about them for the rest of my life. I do wish the best for him and I hope that he is going to find his happiness.
Eventually.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Saturday, September 16, 2006
The strangers eyes
The other night while discussing life and relationships with a half drunken J, I realized how truly discontented I really can be sometimes. What in my life right now is really that horrible that i should feel so low and the way that I do right now. In retrospect I do have a house payment that I am nervous if I'm actually going to make this month, a truly regrettable decision that has me on the brink of breakdown wondering if he is going to actually continue seeing me, and a job that I am less than pleased with right now. All that really considered, I don't have much of anything to complain about.
One giant complaint I do have, how is it that a couple that doesn't have a single job between the two of them and live off of tax dollars that the rest of us pay, get a car? I really do wish that someone would just give me a car so that I could spend money that I didn't earn on gas to do stuff that I really can't afford. I have had my fair share of being helped, but never without the understanding that I had to help myself as well. I couldn't just sit on my ass and not work and expect the generosity of another human being to get me by for the rest of my life. The incredible lack of motivation that is some humans absolutely amazes me, and where are they coming up with the money to pay for an apartment in heritage hill? Again, the generosity and the tax dollars that directly come out of my paycheck without asking me if I would like to help societies degenerits who refuse to do anything other than ask for money to get a half pint and a pack of smokes.
Meanwhile he rest of society is out working and making something of themselves. I know a lot of individuals who aren't in the best situations, but they are making the best of what they can. They get up every day and go to work to pay for a car that they have to have, to get to a job that they don't like, so they can pay for bills that they don't want. (sorry....side rant)
I was talking to a friend about the best friend that i've ever had in the world. He has stuck by me through some crazy ridiculous stunts, bad boyfriends, and falling off the earth to move to Chicago. The conversation turned to the fact that no matter how many wonderful "mr. right's" that I manage to find I never end up headed for the alter. I simply state that is because they weren't right and it's better that I be 22 and single than 22 and divorced because I rushed things. He brought up the fact that maybe I haven't found mr right because he's always been right in front of me and I've been too busy looking elsewhere. For any of you that have ever met J or know him, he is the most homosexual straight guy I have ever met. Maybe, just maybe there is something to this thteory. Could I be in love with my best friend and it just prohibits me from finding another guy to commit to the rest of my life? Am I just wandering through the dating scenes comparing everyone to him and when they don't measure up, sabotaging the entire relationship? Or is it all just a freudian theory that has gotten a little too imbedded into my brain?
The guy that I have been seeing for around a month now, Jeramie, has completely become and anigma to me. Not the usual type of person that I would date, and it intrigues me all the more. The more times that I don't get my way, that he stands up to me, calls me sweetheart, and then tells me "no", Refuses to stay at my house, or commit to a relationship....all of the things that I find strangely attractive about him. He's older, handsome, and choses to work instead of live at home and be a bum, gets wander lust, and is completely old fashioned. I find myself more and more strangely attracted to him, and I don't really know what to do with it. The last thing I really need to do right now is jump head long into yet another relationship, to use a relationship to fill the void that I know I need to fill myself. Learning to live and be alone needs to be accomplished before I go jumping into something else right away. All that is going to do is land me right back to relying on someone and feeling so lonely when they are not around. I was just getting to the point where going to sleep by myself no longer takes 3 hours because I dwell on the fact that I am alone. I had just started to lay down and think about the day and what had been accomplished before drifting off to sleep, instead of feeling so small in a big bed all alone. My mind finally stopped wandering to JW and what he was doing at that moment and if he was with her. My mind finally started focusing on my goals and accomplishments for the day and the next day and that was enough for me. In comes this handsome stranger who peeks my interest and strikes my curiosity, now my mind starts to wander towards him and the next time I get to stare into his lovely eyes. Oh the woes of being so afraid to be so alone.
One giant complaint I do have, how is it that a couple that doesn't have a single job between the two of them and live off of tax dollars that the rest of us pay, get a car? I really do wish that someone would just give me a car so that I could spend money that I didn't earn on gas to do stuff that I really can't afford. I have had my fair share of being helped, but never without the understanding that I had to help myself as well. I couldn't just sit on my ass and not work and expect the generosity of another human being to get me by for the rest of my life. The incredible lack of motivation that is some humans absolutely amazes me, and where are they coming up with the money to pay for an apartment in heritage hill? Again, the generosity and the tax dollars that directly come out of my paycheck without asking me if I would like to help societies degenerits who refuse to do anything other than ask for money to get a half pint and a pack of smokes.
Meanwhile he rest of society is out working and making something of themselves. I know a lot of individuals who aren't in the best situations, but they are making the best of what they can. They get up every day and go to work to pay for a car that they have to have, to get to a job that they don't like, so they can pay for bills that they don't want. (sorry....side rant)
I was talking to a friend about the best friend that i've ever had in the world. He has stuck by me through some crazy ridiculous stunts, bad boyfriends, and falling off the earth to move to Chicago. The conversation turned to the fact that no matter how many wonderful "mr. right's" that I manage to find I never end up headed for the alter. I simply state that is because they weren't right and it's better that I be 22 and single than 22 and divorced because I rushed things. He brought up the fact that maybe I haven't found mr right because he's always been right in front of me and I've been too busy looking elsewhere. For any of you that have ever met J or know him, he is the most homosexual straight guy I have ever met. Maybe, just maybe there is something to this thteory. Could I be in love with my best friend and it just prohibits me from finding another guy to commit to the rest of my life? Am I just wandering through the dating scenes comparing everyone to him and when they don't measure up, sabotaging the entire relationship? Or is it all just a freudian theory that has gotten a little too imbedded into my brain?
The guy that I have been seeing for around a month now, Jeramie, has completely become and anigma to me. Not the usual type of person that I would date, and it intrigues me all the more. The more times that I don't get my way, that he stands up to me, calls me sweetheart, and then tells me "no", Refuses to stay at my house, or commit to a relationship....all of the things that I find strangely attractive about him. He's older, handsome, and choses to work instead of live at home and be a bum, gets wander lust, and is completely old fashioned. I find myself more and more strangely attracted to him, and I don't really know what to do with it. The last thing I really need to do right now is jump head long into yet another relationship, to use a relationship to fill the void that I know I need to fill myself. Learning to live and be alone needs to be accomplished before I go jumping into something else right away. All that is going to do is land me right back to relying on someone and feeling so lonely when they are not around. I was just getting to the point where going to sleep by myself no longer takes 3 hours because I dwell on the fact that I am alone. I had just started to lay down and think about the day and what had been accomplished before drifting off to sleep, instead of feeling so small in a big bed all alone. My mind finally stopped wandering to JW and what he was doing at that moment and if he was with her. My mind finally started focusing on my goals and accomplishments for the day and the next day and that was enough for me. In comes this handsome stranger who peeks my interest and strikes my curiosity, now my mind starts to wander towards him and the next time I get to stare into his lovely eyes. Oh the woes of being so afraid to be so alone.
Friday, September 15, 2006
Answer the phone...or not.
I am sitting with my new interest and things are going through the "motions" and I need water. I get up and walk downstairs to get my trusty nalgene out of my climbing bag, and fill it with water. Right at that second my phone starts ringing, i pick it up and don't recognize the number. I pick it up only to realize that it was my ex, not JW, and a drunken ex states that he made a mistake and wants to see me.
"I'm kind of busy right now, so I have to go"
"Please just see me for a minute"
"I'm busy, and we're not having this conversation, I have to go"
"I have to go"
"Wait"
"What"
"I'm sorry"
"I know"
:click:
I get back upstairs to discover my new interest pretty much putting his shoes back on and ready to leave.
I simply state that I'm sorry and I shouldn't have answered the phone when I am with him, and I should have hung up when I realized who it was. He simply states that he doesn't think that he should have to deal with ex-boyfriends. He's hoppin mad and decides to leave and think things over before opening his mouth and making definite decisions. The whole next day I bite my nails wondering if i'm going to get the "it's not working out" speech. Instead I get, "I still don't think I was in the wrong, but I get that you're sorry and there's no sense in beating a dead horse. I wasn't going to call, and just let it go the weekend but I promised I would." So, now I just have to sit and hope that he doesn't decide to just be done with it after all.
I also made a startling discovery the other day (before all of this) while he is sitting at work having a beer. He is going to be the third JW that I will have dated this year. eeek.
other than that I have nothing interesting to say.
"I'm kind of busy right now, so I have to go"
"Please just see me for a minute"
"I'm busy, and we're not having this conversation, I have to go"
"I have to go"
"Wait"
"What"
"I'm sorry"
"I know"
:click:
I get back upstairs to discover my new interest pretty much putting his shoes back on and ready to leave.
I simply state that I'm sorry and I shouldn't have answered the phone when I am with him, and I should have hung up when I realized who it was. He simply states that he doesn't think that he should have to deal with ex-boyfriends. He's hoppin mad and decides to leave and think things over before opening his mouth and making definite decisions. The whole next day I bite my nails wondering if i'm going to get the "it's not working out" speech. Instead I get, "I still don't think I was in the wrong, but I get that you're sorry and there's no sense in beating a dead horse. I wasn't going to call, and just let it go the weekend but I promised I would." So, now I just have to sit and hope that he doesn't decide to just be done with it after all.
I also made a startling discovery the other day (before all of this) while he is sitting at work having a beer. He is going to be the third JW that I will have dated this year. eeek.
other than that I have nothing interesting to say.
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