Valentine's was perfect this year, we couldn't do anything since he had to work his second job. He did, however, come strolling in the door with 6 long stem roses and hershey kisses. The good ones, caramel and peanut butter! On saturday we spent the morning doing nothing, lying in bed, then the boat show, dinner, and out for a friend's birthday. Sunday we lay in bed until noon, ran 1 erand, and went to a movie. I got a full out back massage, oil and all.....yeah! It was perfect, low-key, simple, and true to the way we are together.
All in all, life is good. I smile a lot, and laugh even more. I forgot what it was like to wake up and walk to the coffee pot and just smile becuase it's another beautiful day.
LSD-Thanks for the idea about the little candy hearts.....that worked out well to my advantage as well!
Monday, February 19, 2007
Friday, January 26, 2007
It's SNOWING!
All week long I have been excited about the dropping weather, and the snow on the ground. Although, this does make precarious conditions for driving my lunk of junk to work, I love it! Work has been slow, but steady, and I'm dreading the fast approaching lay-off. Indy and Chicago are going to the Super Bowl! Through all of the ridiculous, soap opera-esk things that seem to accumulate at my doorstep all the time, I have managed to keep a pretty positive head on my shoulders. I knew that most of that drama would end in my own disappointment, but I took a leap of faith and fell. My hopeful, romantic head took over the rest of my being and promptly shut down any reality receptors that would've kept me from such peril, but I know that. So, this week I built a snowman, and had a snowball fight, and rode snowmobile's, and took an escape away from everything and everyone. I still had to work, but I got to come home to comfort, relaxation, and personal growth. Then I watched a good episode of sex and the city...and I realized, why do women always have to learn something? Men just move on, and women have to learn something. So, I then decided just to be pissed off, hurt, angry, and then realize that I did it to myself. Then I started the road of healing. The process of deletion started, his phone number deleted, his text messages and e-mails deleted, took all of his jewelry off and put it in a box in the bottom of a box on the top shelf of my closet. I wrote and thought about posting a rather long blog, then decided that was beneath me. So, I am leaving for a snowmobile trip for the weekend, just a close friend, snowmobile's, and a weekend of fun. We both needed to relax and we've always been close, so we figured what the hell. A cabin in the woods, great food, and a good friend to forget about the everyday hustle and bustle with. I got a good boost of confidence when I saw the pictures of me from the local contest I did last weekend, middle of january and I still look pretty damn good in a bikini. So, hopefully injury free, I'll be back late sunday night ready to face a new week.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
three month good-bye
Don't forget the good times, When obsessing over the bad
Cuz you were happy a lot, And not always sad
I know I've messed up, But I know too that I've changed
And without you by my side, My life's completely deranged
I'm fixing my life, from the inside out
finding out just what, this life's all about
I want you to be here, not just as a friend
but as my lover for life, until the very end
If I could start it all over, with just you and me
I'd show you just what, true love can be
If I don't get to later, I just want to say
I'll never stop loving you, every night and every day
So hopefully you see, deep down in your heart
that we're better together, than we are when we're apart
So what do you think? Will I get another try?
Or will this be another, Three month goodbye?
Cuz you were happy a lot, And not always sad
I know I've messed up, But I know too that I've changed
And without you by my side, My life's completely deranged
I'm fixing my life, from the inside out
finding out just what, this life's all about
I want you to be here, not just as a friend
but as my lover for life, until the very end
If I could start it all over, with just you and me
I'd show you just what, true love can be
If I don't get to later, I just want to say
I'll never stop loving you, every night and every day
So hopefully you see, deep down in your heart
that we're better together, than we are when we're apart
So what do you think? Will I get another try?
Or will this be another, Three month goodbye?
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Thanks for the family.
She tossed it on the counter because she thought nothing of it, this has happened half a dozen times before and this one would be no different. She went back to taking care of the groceries, did the dishes, and finally wandered back in the bathroom to throw it away. When she got there her breath caught, she felt dizzy, and an immediate sense of panic set in. Breathe, this is a fluke, I'll just take the other one tomorrow and it'll be something to laugh about. She woke up and kept her morning routine, stumbled down the stairs cursing at the dog for being in the way, started her coffee and stood in the kitchen barefoot. Well, might as well get it over, she mumbled and walked back upstairs. Same thing, threw it on the counter and went about getting ready for work that morning, showered, makeup on, and hair dried, she looked over and peeked at the slim white test on the back of the toilet. Shit, this can't be right. A little un-nerved she went through her day at work slightly in a fog, wondering all day long if it could really be true. Picked up another one on the way home and took two more, same results.
In order to not freak out her then fiancee, and to calm her own nerves she promptly went out and got drunk, really really drunk. The next week was uneasy and unsure of what she was going to do. The thoughts, oh those terrible thoughts. Abortion, intended miscarriage, adoption, how do I end it without him knowing. She promptly dismissed the thoughts and felt horrible about even thinking them. Called him at work and told him the news, much to her surprise it wasn't anger or joy on the other end. Of course I'm sure you idiot, she yelled back in the phone. I'm coming home right now, and the two of them sat and processed the situation. The prospect of a baby in their home, a little sooner than planned, but a welcome surprise. Unknowingly the cause and the cure for the fighting they had endured for the past month. On the verge of break up because of unexplained cravings and mood swings, this baby explained the problem and promptly solved it. Marriage was the plan anyways, so bump it up. Happily married, and the honey moon over, the real fun starts. Cravings, crying, yelling, sleeping, morning sickness, not sleeping, I feel like a "moose." In the end the holding of that brand new baby will make everything worth it.
This is the scenario for many households among America today. The problem is that this isn't always the case. Many times it is a heart wrenching, life altering, scary proposition that comes at the worst time imaginable. Many mothers are left with the decision to have the baby, keep the baby, and sometimes even finding out which one is the father. There is an alarming rate of single mothers and fathers out there who wanted this time to happy and full of joy and love. Instead they got heart ache and the toughest time of their lives, and it was just the beginning.
He was 25 living with a roommate and doing the typical early twenties life, she was 23 living with a roommate and finally getting her life together. They had been talking about marriage and moving in together, when she made the announcement. The next thing she knew he felt they were going in different directions and he couldn't see a future with her. He would be a part of the babies conception and birth, but she was not to keep the baby and he didn't want the life long tie to her. What should've been happy became a struggle to keep it a secret from his family and a search for adoptive parents, government help for the expensive appointments to have a healthy pregnancy, and 60 hours a week up until her 8th month to make ends meet.
There are so many self-righteous people out there that are so quick to judge these mothers and fathers. The deed is already done, and they probably already realize it was wrong and are paying for it. Why do people feel the need to put them into little groups of screw ups and losers. They don't need just your charity, they also need the same love that all of us are taking for granted. They also need the mother figure to call and ask if they morning sickness is ever going to go away, or the older sister to call and cry to when she feels as big as a house, and she needs the loving arms to hold her when she feels like she just can't do it and is ready to give up. Show some compassion people, and realize exactly what you have to be thankful for.
During the holiday season my family always goes around and says what we are thankful for this past year. In light of the two young children in our family a lot was said about being thankful for family and for loving spouses and active parents. All of which really got me thinking about how lucky I really am.
I was born in a poor city, to a dirt poor mother who was sick already, there is no record of my father. There isn't even a name for him on the birth certificate. I was dropped at a police station doorstep, and was immediately sent to the local orphanage. In this orphanage I was loved, nourished and cared for. I also wore clothes that were too small and left a marking on my skin from the constant rubbing in that spot. Bethany Christian services is an agency that works with adoptive families from all over the world. My parents, as much as I complain about them, chose to give a better life to one of these children. It was 7 years after my older brother had been born and my parents weren't exactly young, but they still made the decision to open their home to a child in need. I spent the rest of my life having love, heat, food, and a whole lot of spoiling.
I won't go out and make a big argument about abortion and whether it is right or wrong, but I'm kind of on both sides of being pro-life. My brother and sister-in-law were unable to conceive, and thanks to a single mom who chose to give birth, they have a beautiful baby girl named Kennedi. The birth mother writes letters to kennedi to tell her of her own life and how much she loves her and why she chose to give her up for adoption. I also have to be thankful that my own birth mother didn't decide to leave me in a dumpster, or terminate the pregnancy all together.
I have more and more to be thankful about every year. I have a job, and roof over my head, hot food, clothes, and more shoes than one woman needs. This holiday season really sit down and count all the blessings that you really should be thankful for. Thank your parents if they deserve it, even if they don't, they did bring you into the world and give you a chance at life and making it whatever you want it to be. This Christmas be thankful for the things you really should be thankful for.
In order to not freak out her then fiancee, and to calm her own nerves she promptly went out and got drunk, really really drunk. The next week was uneasy and unsure of what she was going to do. The thoughts, oh those terrible thoughts. Abortion, intended miscarriage, adoption, how do I end it without him knowing. She promptly dismissed the thoughts and felt horrible about even thinking them. Called him at work and told him the news, much to her surprise it wasn't anger or joy on the other end. Of course I'm sure you idiot, she yelled back in the phone. I'm coming home right now, and the two of them sat and processed the situation. The prospect of a baby in their home, a little sooner than planned, but a welcome surprise. Unknowingly the cause and the cure for the fighting they had endured for the past month. On the verge of break up because of unexplained cravings and mood swings, this baby explained the problem and promptly solved it. Marriage was the plan anyways, so bump it up. Happily married, and the honey moon over, the real fun starts. Cravings, crying, yelling, sleeping, morning sickness, not sleeping, I feel like a "moose." In the end the holding of that brand new baby will make everything worth it.
This is the scenario for many households among America today. The problem is that this isn't always the case. Many times it is a heart wrenching, life altering, scary proposition that comes at the worst time imaginable. Many mothers are left with the decision to have the baby, keep the baby, and sometimes even finding out which one is the father. There is an alarming rate of single mothers and fathers out there who wanted this time to happy and full of joy and love. Instead they got heart ache and the toughest time of their lives, and it was just the beginning.
He was 25 living with a roommate and doing the typical early twenties life, she was 23 living with a roommate and finally getting her life together. They had been talking about marriage and moving in together, when she made the announcement. The next thing she knew he felt they were going in different directions and he couldn't see a future with her. He would be a part of the babies conception and birth, but she was not to keep the baby and he didn't want the life long tie to her. What should've been happy became a struggle to keep it a secret from his family and a search for adoptive parents, government help for the expensive appointments to have a healthy pregnancy, and 60 hours a week up until her 8th month to make ends meet.
There are so many self-righteous people out there that are so quick to judge these mothers and fathers. The deed is already done, and they probably already realize it was wrong and are paying for it. Why do people feel the need to put them into little groups of screw ups and losers. They don't need just your charity, they also need the same love that all of us are taking for granted. They also need the mother figure to call and ask if they morning sickness is ever going to go away, or the older sister to call and cry to when she feels as big as a house, and she needs the loving arms to hold her when she feels like she just can't do it and is ready to give up. Show some compassion people, and realize exactly what you have to be thankful for.
During the holiday season my family always goes around and says what we are thankful for this past year. In light of the two young children in our family a lot was said about being thankful for family and for loving spouses and active parents. All of which really got me thinking about how lucky I really am.
I was born in a poor city, to a dirt poor mother who was sick already, there is no record of my father. There isn't even a name for him on the birth certificate. I was dropped at a police station doorstep, and was immediately sent to the local orphanage. In this orphanage I was loved, nourished and cared for. I also wore clothes that were too small and left a marking on my skin from the constant rubbing in that spot. Bethany Christian services is an agency that works with adoptive families from all over the world. My parents, as much as I complain about them, chose to give a better life to one of these children. It was 7 years after my older brother had been born and my parents weren't exactly young, but they still made the decision to open their home to a child in need. I spent the rest of my life having love, heat, food, and a whole lot of spoiling.
I won't go out and make a big argument about abortion and whether it is right or wrong, but I'm kind of on both sides of being pro-life. My brother and sister-in-law were unable to conceive, and thanks to a single mom who chose to give birth, they have a beautiful baby girl named Kennedi. The birth mother writes letters to kennedi to tell her of her own life and how much she loves her and why she chose to give her up for adoption. I also have to be thankful that my own birth mother didn't decide to leave me in a dumpster, or terminate the pregnancy all together.
I have more and more to be thankful about every year. I have a job, and roof over my head, hot food, clothes, and more shoes than one woman needs. This holiday season really sit down and count all the blessings that you really should be thankful for. Thank your parents if they deserve it, even if they don't, they did bring you into the world and give you a chance at life and making it whatever you want it to be. This Christmas be thankful for the things you really should be thankful for.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
woes of the heart
I talked to mollitor and they had told me that JW's grandpa had passed away so I called and expressed my condolences and told him that i am sorry for his loss and to tell his family that I said hello and said I am sorry for their loss. I saw him today and his new girlfriend was with him and I didn't think anything of walking up and telling him that I was sorry and that he lost his grandfather. Later, I ran up and asked him about and asked him about a ron white skit. It was highly disappointing to me that he didn't remember anymore how the skit went. The disappointment spawned off of the fact that we use to hang out watching stupid humor and stuff like blue collared comedy tour and that just let me know that he no longer watches them. I had witnessed them kissing and hanging on each other and it never bothered me, what bothered me today was
a: that she wouldn't walk back up to the table while i was talking to him
b: that I saw them laughing and joking around. As RDW put it "being happy"
then I got the phone call from the new guy and the one thing that made my stomach flutter was that he said "i miss you"
RDW has a unique situation going on.
The girl that he is dating is married to a soldier, who is in iraq at the moment. Before I go any further, this fact bothers me due to the fact that her husband is fighting for my freedom and future, and the fact that she is being unfaithful. All of that aside, that said I do feel for the guy. The girl that he is in love with is married to another man and is leaving in the end of October to live in missouri with im and continue their life together. I don't think that I could imagine falling in love with a person and knowing that they are going to move on and continue their marriage with another guy and have to think about them for the rest of my life. I do wish the best for him and I hope that he is going to find his happiness.
Eventually.
a: that she wouldn't walk back up to the table while i was talking to him
b: that I saw them laughing and joking around. As RDW put it "being happy"
then I got the phone call from the new guy and the one thing that made my stomach flutter was that he said "i miss you"
RDW has a unique situation going on.
The girl that he is dating is married to a soldier, who is in iraq at the moment. Before I go any further, this fact bothers me due to the fact that her husband is fighting for my freedom and future, and the fact that she is being unfaithful. All of that aside, that said I do feel for the guy. The girl that he is in love with is married to another man and is leaving in the end of October to live in missouri with im and continue their life together. I don't think that I could imagine falling in love with a person and knowing that they are going to move on and continue their marriage with another guy and have to think about them for the rest of my life. I do wish the best for him and I hope that he is going to find his happiness.
Eventually.
Saturday, September 16, 2006
The strangers eyes
The other night while discussing life and relationships with a half drunken J, I realized how truly discontented I really can be sometimes. What in my life right now is really that horrible that i should feel so low and the way that I do right now. In retrospect I do have a house payment that I am nervous if I'm actually going to make this month, a truly regrettable decision that has me on the brink of breakdown wondering if he is going to actually continue seeing me, and a job that I am less than pleased with right now. All that really considered, I don't have much of anything to complain about.
One giant complaint I do have, how is it that a couple that doesn't have a single job between the two of them and live off of tax dollars that the rest of us pay, get a car? I really do wish that someone would just give me a car so that I could spend money that I didn't earn on gas to do stuff that I really can't afford. I have had my fair share of being helped, but never without the understanding that I had to help myself as well. I couldn't just sit on my ass and not work and expect the generosity of another human being to get me by for the rest of my life. The incredible lack of motivation that is some humans absolutely amazes me, and where are they coming up with the money to pay for an apartment in heritage hill? Again, the generosity and the tax dollars that directly come out of my paycheck without asking me if I would like to help societies degenerits who refuse to do anything other than ask for money to get a half pint and a pack of smokes.
Meanwhile he rest of society is out working and making something of themselves. I know a lot of individuals who aren't in the best situations, but they are making the best of what they can. They get up every day and go to work to pay for a car that they have to have, to get to a job that they don't like, so they can pay for bills that they don't want. (sorry....side rant)
I was talking to a friend about the best friend that i've ever had in the world. He has stuck by me through some crazy ridiculous stunts, bad boyfriends, and falling off the earth to move to Chicago. The conversation turned to the fact that no matter how many wonderful "mr. right's" that I manage to find I never end up headed for the alter. I simply state that is because they weren't right and it's better that I be 22 and single than 22 and divorced because I rushed things. He brought up the fact that maybe I haven't found mr right because he's always been right in front of me and I've been too busy looking elsewhere. For any of you that have ever met J or know him, he is the most homosexual straight guy I have ever met. Maybe, just maybe there is something to this thteory. Could I be in love with my best friend and it just prohibits me from finding another guy to commit to the rest of my life? Am I just wandering through the dating scenes comparing everyone to him and when they don't measure up, sabotaging the entire relationship? Or is it all just a freudian theory that has gotten a little too imbedded into my brain?
The guy that I have been seeing for around a month now, Jeramie, has completely become and anigma to me. Not the usual type of person that I would date, and it intrigues me all the more. The more times that I don't get my way, that he stands up to me, calls me sweetheart, and then tells me "no", Refuses to stay at my house, or commit to a relationship....all of the things that I find strangely attractive about him. He's older, handsome, and choses to work instead of live at home and be a bum, gets wander lust, and is completely old fashioned. I find myself more and more strangely attracted to him, and I don't really know what to do with it. The last thing I really need to do right now is jump head long into yet another relationship, to use a relationship to fill the void that I know I need to fill myself. Learning to live and be alone needs to be accomplished before I go jumping into something else right away. All that is going to do is land me right back to relying on someone and feeling so lonely when they are not around. I was just getting to the point where going to sleep by myself no longer takes 3 hours because I dwell on the fact that I am alone. I had just started to lay down and think about the day and what had been accomplished before drifting off to sleep, instead of feeling so small in a big bed all alone. My mind finally stopped wandering to JW and what he was doing at that moment and if he was with her. My mind finally started focusing on my goals and accomplishments for the day and the next day and that was enough for me. In comes this handsome stranger who peeks my interest and strikes my curiosity, now my mind starts to wander towards him and the next time I get to stare into his lovely eyes. Oh the woes of being so afraid to be so alone.
One giant complaint I do have, how is it that a couple that doesn't have a single job between the two of them and live off of tax dollars that the rest of us pay, get a car? I really do wish that someone would just give me a car so that I could spend money that I didn't earn on gas to do stuff that I really can't afford. I have had my fair share of being helped, but never without the understanding that I had to help myself as well. I couldn't just sit on my ass and not work and expect the generosity of another human being to get me by for the rest of my life. The incredible lack of motivation that is some humans absolutely amazes me, and where are they coming up with the money to pay for an apartment in heritage hill? Again, the generosity and the tax dollars that directly come out of my paycheck without asking me if I would like to help societies degenerits who refuse to do anything other than ask for money to get a half pint and a pack of smokes.
Meanwhile he rest of society is out working and making something of themselves. I know a lot of individuals who aren't in the best situations, but they are making the best of what they can. They get up every day and go to work to pay for a car that they have to have, to get to a job that they don't like, so they can pay for bills that they don't want. (sorry....side rant)
I was talking to a friend about the best friend that i've ever had in the world. He has stuck by me through some crazy ridiculous stunts, bad boyfriends, and falling off the earth to move to Chicago. The conversation turned to the fact that no matter how many wonderful "mr. right's" that I manage to find I never end up headed for the alter. I simply state that is because they weren't right and it's better that I be 22 and single than 22 and divorced because I rushed things. He brought up the fact that maybe I haven't found mr right because he's always been right in front of me and I've been too busy looking elsewhere. For any of you that have ever met J or know him, he is the most homosexual straight guy I have ever met. Maybe, just maybe there is something to this thteory. Could I be in love with my best friend and it just prohibits me from finding another guy to commit to the rest of my life? Am I just wandering through the dating scenes comparing everyone to him and when they don't measure up, sabotaging the entire relationship? Or is it all just a freudian theory that has gotten a little too imbedded into my brain?
The guy that I have been seeing for around a month now, Jeramie, has completely become and anigma to me. Not the usual type of person that I would date, and it intrigues me all the more. The more times that I don't get my way, that he stands up to me, calls me sweetheart, and then tells me "no", Refuses to stay at my house, or commit to a relationship....all of the things that I find strangely attractive about him. He's older, handsome, and choses to work instead of live at home and be a bum, gets wander lust, and is completely old fashioned. I find myself more and more strangely attracted to him, and I don't really know what to do with it. The last thing I really need to do right now is jump head long into yet another relationship, to use a relationship to fill the void that I know I need to fill myself. Learning to live and be alone needs to be accomplished before I go jumping into something else right away. All that is going to do is land me right back to relying on someone and feeling so lonely when they are not around. I was just getting to the point where going to sleep by myself no longer takes 3 hours because I dwell on the fact that I am alone. I had just started to lay down and think about the day and what had been accomplished before drifting off to sleep, instead of feeling so small in a big bed all alone. My mind finally stopped wandering to JW and what he was doing at that moment and if he was with her. My mind finally started focusing on my goals and accomplishments for the day and the next day and that was enough for me. In comes this handsome stranger who peeks my interest and strikes my curiosity, now my mind starts to wander towards him and the next time I get to stare into his lovely eyes. Oh the woes of being so afraid to be so alone.
Friday, September 15, 2006
Answer the phone...or not.
I am sitting with my new interest and things are going through the "motions" and I need water. I get up and walk downstairs to get my trusty nalgene out of my climbing bag, and fill it with water. Right at that second my phone starts ringing, i pick it up and don't recognize the number. I pick it up only to realize that it was my ex, not JW, and a drunken ex states that he made a mistake and wants to see me.
"I'm kind of busy right now, so I have to go"
"Please just see me for a minute"
"I'm busy, and we're not having this conversation, I have to go"
"I have to go"
"Wait"
"What"
"I'm sorry"
"I know"
:click:
I get back upstairs to discover my new interest pretty much putting his shoes back on and ready to leave.
I simply state that I'm sorry and I shouldn't have answered the phone when I am with him, and I should have hung up when I realized who it was. He simply states that he doesn't think that he should have to deal with ex-boyfriends. He's hoppin mad and decides to leave and think things over before opening his mouth and making definite decisions. The whole next day I bite my nails wondering if i'm going to get the "it's not working out" speech. Instead I get, "I still don't think I was in the wrong, but I get that you're sorry and there's no sense in beating a dead horse. I wasn't going to call, and just let it go the weekend but I promised I would." So, now I just have to sit and hope that he doesn't decide to just be done with it after all.
I also made a startling discovery the other day (before all of this) while he is sitting at work having a beer. He is going to be the third JW that I will have dated this year. eeek.
other than that I have nothing interesting to say.
"I'm kind of busy right now, so I have to go"
"Please just see me for a minute"
"I'm busy, and we're not having this conversation, I have to go"
"I have to go"
"Wait"
"What"
"I'm sorry"
"I know"
:click:
I get back upstairs to discover my new interest pretty much putting his shoes back on and ready to leave.
I simply state that I'm sorry and I shouldn't have answered the phone when I am with him, and I should have hung up when I realized who it was. He simply states that he doesn't think that he should have to deal with ex-boyfriends. He's hoppin mad and decides to leave and think things over before opening his mouth and making definite decisions. The whole next day I bite my nails wondering if i'm going to get the "it's not working out" speech. Instead I get, "I still don't think I was in the wrong, but I get that you're sorry and there's no sense in beating a dead horse. I wasn't going to call, and just let it go the weekend but I promised I would." So, now I just have to sit and hope that he doesn't decide to just be done with it after all.
I also made a startling discovery the other day (before all of this) while he is sitting at work having a beer. He is going to be the third JW that I will have dated this year. eeek.
other than that I have nothing interesting to say.
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